‘I will be happy when people love me’ was the underlying current. It turns out, people love you when you are you.


What’s the saying, “You either move from inspiration or desperation?” I moved into Orgasmic Meditation from a lot of desperation.

I came into OM feeling like a broken woman. I had built my life around getting married and having babies. Just before finding OM, my heart was broken by my fiancé telling me he didn’t love me. He said that I was destroying him. I felt devastated. Later, I went to an OM-related event and was shocked. I’d never seen men being so vulnerable and willing to cry in public without being ashamed.

I’m from a place where we don’t show emotions. In Philadelphia, you want to be as hard and tough as possible. ‘Don’t catch feelings and don’t show any.’ Seeing raw vulnerability in people was shocking to me. I thought it was brave and I wanted to know how I could be like that.

OM scared me. The idea of a man touching menope. I definitely was afraid of sensation, afraid of pain. I was afraid of being seen as anything less than perfect. It was a lot about people pleasing and not about me pleasing. ‘I will be happy when people love me’ was the underlying current. It turns out, people love you when you are you.

For the first six months, OM was like getting my teeth cleaned. ‘I know it’s good for me, but I don’t wanna. I’m not gonna let any men get the better of me.’ I fought any sensation whatsoever because I thought that feeling something in an OM meant that men had somehow defeated me.

I was very tense. My guard was up. I didn’t feel safe around male strokers, not even friends. I was numb in my OMs. I couldn’t feel anything and if I started to feel something I’d get so scared I would ask for less pressure until I couldn’t feel anything again. Numbness felt comfortable. I felt safe there.

It wasn’t until I OMed with a woman that I felt any kind of pleasure. I had a climax and I was like, ‘Oh, this is what happens when you let your guard down and let yourself feel things.’ I realized that was why I hadn’t felt anything in my OMs, and why I didn’t feel anything in my relationships with men. I didn’t let them in.

That moment was the beginning of my realization of how terrified I was of men. I had it in my head they were going to hurt me, make me subservient, and use me. So I thought I always had to fight them. I knew that I needed to date men who were kind. Instead, I would date men who were more broken than me, men I could easily overpowereither mentally, physically, emotionally, or financially.

If I wanted relationships with men, if I wanted deep connection, if I wanted to find love, I would have to figure out how not to freeze men out of my life. My goal was to find a partner, and I wasn’t going to find one being shut off, terrified, and resentful.

Over time, I learned how to connect with people more. I learned how to feel safer in my own body, knowing I can create my own safety internally. No one is going to take anything from me, especially not in an OM. I feel so much more now, the ups and the downs. I feel sensation throughout my entire body.

For six months, I felt nothing in my vagina, nothing in my clit. Now, no longer a frozen dead zone, my sex is where sensation starts and radiates throughout my body. I feel a lot more power, pleasure, and sensation there, and have a deeper relationship with her than ever. I came from a culture where there’s a lot of shame around your genitals—don’t look at it, don’t touch it, don’t even talk about it.

An often overlooked feature of Orgasmic Meditation is the noticing step. That was where I started to have a relationship with my genitals. I think because it’s real. Just tell me what you see, not your interpretation of what you see. What color is it? What’s its shape? What’s real in this moment regarding the terrain you are about to meditate on for 15 minutes? They weren’t trying to have sex with me or make me feel good. With that, I could start noticing what my genitals really looked and felt like. That’s been a powerful piece for me. It’s helped me feel grounded, present, and safe to let my guard down.

The boundaries, the container and the strict rules of the OM also helped me feel safe enough to do something outside my comfort zone. OMing was definitely outside of mine. Me pulling my pants down in front of you? Are you kidding me? A man touching my genitals? Are you nuts? That’s not happening. Over time that shifted. Now, I feel more grounded, more connected, more in my own body. I just feel so much more open.

Getting over the fear of asking for an OM was also hard for me. Being around other people who were also getting vulnerable by asking for OMs helped me feel like I could jump in. I can get uncomfortable. I can get scared. What’s the worst that will happen? Someone says no. It hurts my ego a bit. Someone else will want to OM with me.

I thought OM would help me open more to men, connection, and love. And it has. I’m three years into my practice now, and I have beautiful friendships and relationships with men. I have deeper connections with so many people. Relating to people is more fluid and organic. It just feels a lot better.

I am grateful for the practice. It’s made me into the woman I want to be. I am very happy being the woman I am today, and I was not happy being the woman I was three years ago. Now, I can even love that woman I was three years ago. She was doing her best. There’s a lot more room in my heart for love, a lot more room in my life for love now.

Carly is a 33-year-old single teacher and actress from Philadelphia.