Learning to ListenBY ANDREW CHALEFF
I was diagnosed with a learning disability at a rather young age and I attended special, mostly private, schools. I was bullied and picked on a lot, consistently told how inappropriate my behavior was and reminded that I didn't fit in. I constantly carried around a feeling that I wasn't good enough.
I had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do for a living. And then the answer came to me: my work should be an extension of who I am. Because I love being an athlete, I began doing fitness training for people with special challenges.
To this day, my parents remain married and in love, and my number one dream has been to find that one special person who I could consistently give love to and receive love from for the rest of my life. I had some good moments in relationships and had known women that I really had a lot of fun with and felt connected to, at least for a short time. But then things would happen and it would be over—which was really frustrating.
I wished for a place where I could learn about who women are, and how to understand them and how to relate to them—understand what they feel and what they value—all the things I needed to know to form a basis for a healthy relationship. That was my intention, so I started going to Meet-Up groups where men and women got together and talked. I think the biggest thing I learned in those meetings is that the most important thing for women is that a man really listens to them. I took that to heart.
I got introduced to Orgasmic Meditation after I moved to Westchester, New York. It was a really lonely period of my life. I went to an OM-related event and soon after signed up for an introductory course.
My first OM was nerve racking, but my partner was great. She made me feel so comfortable and gave me a lot of instructions: “Okay, sit like this. I'm going to put my leg over your knee. Now, put your thumb here and put your other finger here and then stroke like this. Okay, a little to the left, now little to the right. Now, move your finger up and down.” It was amazing to finally understand that my touch was something that a woman wants. I remember thinking, “Hey, I can do this. I'm not the ogre that I think I am.” After that first course I kept coming back. And I really made it a point to stay on my toes during every OM because I wanted to make sure I did it right. I wanted to be sure that it felt good for the woman. It actually took me a few years to realize that it was okay to experience pleasure for myself.
It always felt awkward for me to ask a woman to OM with me. But I went to another public event and saw this very pretty blonde. We just kind of connected from across the room and, because the general topic was talking about how truth can be a turn on, I actually talked to her and told her I wanted to OM with her that night. Asking her felt truly liberating.
During our OM she started telling me to breathe into the strokes and feel the rhythm and to do it for my own pleasure as well as hers. She made it clear that mutual pleasure is what would get results. That's when I made the connection—I could feel our connection in my body. I had long ago learned the importance of listening to a woman, and now my whole body became a receiving device. I'd be doing the stroking and just become really attuned to the signals she was putting out. It was amazing. Here I was, the guy who was never good enough, giving pleasure to a woman and receiving pleasure back!