I hadn’t been in a lot of relationships in my life. I’d married my first girlfriend and when I got divorced I thought I would get to date a lot. It never happened. I just wasn’t able to land any dates; I either didn’t get a match I liked on a dating site or the woman lived too far away.
Because of this, I spent a lot of time by myself. I smoked pot, which would make me feel weird and uncomfortable and like I wanted to hide. And then I’d watch porn, which would zap all my energy. I was hiding all the time, with no energy, and I was depressed.
I’d only had sex with one other woman besides my wife. There was also a part of me that had always assumed women thought men were predators and all we wanted was sex. I’d often felt that asking a woman out on a date implied that I wanted to have sex with her, and I was uncomfortable with this. I just wanted to be a normal dating person that could ask attractive women out, and be able to have fun and have sex. But it felt inaccessible to me.
I was at a spiritual retreat when I first heard of Orgasmic Meditation. I mentioned to someone that I had a porn addiction and they told me they’d heard that OMing could help. I didn’t take steps immediately, however. It wasn’t until another woman I knew returned, beaming, from an OM retreat that I signed up.
I was very intimidated at first. I felt like there was a lot of responsibility as a stroker to do it right, like the woman was trusting me to meet a certain standard and be worthy of entering that space. I had a lot of fear of getting a step wrong or making a fool of myself. I felt nervous. The OM itself was intense, it felt powerful. I was very present and aware of what was happening.
It felt good being able to ask a woman to do something that involved her genitals in a clean way, where I didn’t have to take her out on a date or impress her or do any of what I thought I had to do to become intimate with a woman. After OMing with several women, I felt a comfort where I wasn’t as intimidated or afraid and could trust myself more. I loved how I could just ask women to do this practice and then it was over. To be able to have an OM and show them I wasn’t looking for anything more than that—and knowing the women knew that—felt a lot more comfortable to me.
Learning to serve a woman’s desire was also a big realization for me. I used to stress about asking women out and what we’d do, always second-guessing and worrying. When I learned I can just ask a woman what she wants, it was such a relief for me. The practice showed me that if I’m receptive to hearing what a woman wants, she’ll guide me. I can figure it out by the woman giving me adjustments instead of my having to guess.
One of the things I loved that I learned through OM was that I could bring everything back to the practice. The practice was an analog for the philosophy. I loved hearing ideas like, the man should be attentive to the woman’s desire. I’d hear that and think, ‘Oh, that’s an interesting idea.’ Then, I’d realize I was actually doing that in an OM all the time. These realizations have formed the backbone for the way I relate to women now.
My life since finding OM is very dynamic and changing all the time. It’s pushing me to my limits and my edge, helping me grow. I’m married to an amazing woman and our relationship is great. I leaned in as hard as I could. From the beginning, I gave this relationship everything I’ve got. I was willing to trust and lean in all the way and see what happens. Now, I get pleasure through putting attention on my wife and fulfilling her desires.
Adam Platti is a 42-year-old software engineer who lives in Northern California.