My Body is a Truth MeterBY ANN JUSTI
I’ve always been tremendously independent and self-sufficient. I had a very good home life growing up in Los Angeles, meaning that I could have anything I wanted. I had a private tutor and everything material. But my parents were also very busy and not really present. I felt like I had to be a little adult from a very young age. My mother was a teacher and taught me to read the newspaper so that I could read it to her while she was fixing dinner after work. So by the time I walked into kindergarten, I already was reading the news.
My brother felt that I got more attention than he did (I really didn’t—I just had more responsibility). He was constantly abusing me physically, really beating me up, but my parents were too busy to deal with it and tried to ignore it. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I finally realized that it was actually up to my parents to protect me. And it wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that the unaddressed abuse taught me to not feel my emotions or feel my body. Nobody cared about my feelings, so why should I?
My mother was big into me learning to fix my own problems. She was big into learning, period. She taught me how to cook and clean, even though we had people to take care of those kinds of things. She said, “The more you learn and the more independent you become, the more valuable you’ll be.”
I was very driven, and after college I ended up working in the IT industry in technical operations as a contractor working for the NIH near Washington, DC. Not surprisingly, I threw myself into my work, eventually working on a project in New York and moving there. I just sort of fit sleep and a social life into working all the time. Being successful at work and making money proved my identity and value. I would date people. But it was strictly Friends with Benefits because I really didn't have time to give to a relationship. And as far as family was concerned, I was pretty distant.
I’ve always been very open sexually and always believed in open relationships because I want to be independent. I started out as a lesbian in high school and moved to being bisexual in college. None of my relationships (or job decisions, for that matter) were based on emotion. I thought emotions were just about romance. And who had time for that?
I discovered OM when I was dating somebody in New York. It was a Friends with Benefits relationship and I was intrigued when he started talking about Orgasmic Meditation. I’d been into meditation since I was nineteen and knew how powerful it can be. It was like, “Oh, my God, I can learn something new and be sexual and meditate at the same time? Wow!”
I was really surprised at the slower and lighter approach in OM, where someone was stroking my clitoris and maybe only barely touching me, and I would still have all these feelings. It felt as though there was a magnetic force, as though my clitoris actually wanted to reach the stroker’s finger.
I was amazed at how much I felt. And after OM, I'd be more relaxed or energetic or focused and clearer. Even my thinking took on a new quality.
I learned very early in OM that if I listened to my mind, the sensations would turn down or stop. So I learned to stay out of my head. All those years of sitting meditation practice paid off! I'm somebody who generally goes a mile a minute, or at least I used to be. I’ve been OMing for six years now, and the more that I OM, the more I can tune with my body’s language.
I’ve made some minor and major tests. For example, if I don't have a feeling, I practice going the opposite of what I usually would do, to see what happens. Or, if I get tingles or feel pressure or warmth or something unusual, I make the choice and then I get feedback when it turns out to be the right choice or not.
The biggest test of all was when I chose to get married. I met my husband through OM and at first kept it casual. I was actually dating somebody else as well at the time. But then I got to the point where my body was telling me, “I want him.” And it was not a sexual want. It was a “I want to be at ease and be me” kind of want. Because, when I'm with him, I feel very grounded, very in resonance, very calm. With my other boyfriends my body was always on the edge and I’d have thoughts of, “How can I make the love better? What can I do for him?”
Finally, there was a moment where my steady boyfriend was very unsupportive of me when I lost my corporate job. In comparison, my husband-to-be said, “You just took a major bullet and you’ve been driving hard for twenty years. It’s time you let go and let somebody take care of you.” And it was just suddenly so clear. This is what my body had been telling me for months. It had been saying, “When you're around him, you feel calm, grounded, and loving. It feels like being around somebody who's been a very old friend for a very long time.”
Now I know that there's a knowledge that's beyond my mind that is reliable and almost more trustworthy than my logical mind. OM has taught me that I can trust my feelings and my body’s feelings. My body is like a truth meter. It shows me the choices to make to be more turned on by life, to be more enthusiastic and happier. And that is priceless.