I Had Never Trusted Men Before

BY ARIËNNE

I was young when I made the decision not to have a boyfriend. School was stressful, and my family made a lot of demands that I couldn't say no to. A boyfriend, it seemed to me, would just add a new level of demands and more reasons to risk people being mad at me. I also didn't consider myself sexy or attractive, because I was slightly overweight. Eventually, I went out with a few guys and experimented with sex a bit, but I never got into a long-term relationship.

In my late thirties, I'd been celibate for nine years. I was living in Suriname, which is such a small country, it's hard to have a one-night stand without everyone knowing. As in other Caribbean countries, men tend to settle down early, so there weren't a lot of available men in my age group. Being single was not a big problem for me, since I was focused on my job, but I recognized that my sexuality was shut down.

When I was studying a certain meditation practice, I participated in a program that ended up releasing stress from my body. To my surprise, I noticed pulsing sensations in my clitoris. After the program, I continued to feel those sensations, especially when I was meditating. I wondered if there was a link between meditation and sexuality. When I Googled the two terms, I came across Orgasmic Meditation. I watched a video about OM and thought it sounded intriguing. 

When I moved back to my home country of the Netherlands, I met a woman at a business networking event who made a presentation about OM. There weren't people in my life who were interested in discussing intimacy and sexuality, but she was eager to talk about these topics. 

I really wanted to try OM, but I was anxious about finding an OM partner who would be sensitive to me. I found someone who had experience with OM, and I met him for lunch. By the end of the meal, I sensed he would be trustworthy and would respect my boundaries. We made an appointment for my first OM, but the evening before, I panicked. It was so off the radar of what I was used to, the idea of having someone I barely knew touch my clitoris. I decided I would meet with him and see how I felt in the moment. The next day I was quite calm. We had a cup of tea, and I felt okay. He had the nest all prepared, and I lay down. 

It was scary to move in the direction of experiencing being touched intimately after being removed from it for so long. Having sex would have been abrupt and difficult at that point, but OM allowed me to ease softly into my body. The OM session was soothing, like a sweet caress on my heart. I felt waves of sweetness that I could fall into. I was able to relax on a deep level. 

The practice also gave me time to observe, What does this stroke do? How do I feel about it? I discovered new sensations within my body. As I became more comfortable with my own feelings, I also let go of my fear of a man's arousal. I had never trusted men before and had seen them as just hungry for sex. Now I saw that men could be sensitive and caring. 

Nowadays I feel so much more turned on, not just sexually but in a way that translates into other areas of life. On the street, or in a business situation, I notice when men express attraction to me, through what they say or the way they look at me. In the past, I would have seen such behavior as dangerous, but now I can sense the positive energy it represents. I don't have to follow up on their impulses, but I'm no longer threatened. I can accept their sexuality as well as my own.