Before Orgasmic Meditation, I had a habit of over-achieving, over-working, and in a painful way over-serving everyone around me—especially my then-husband. I didn’t know what I really wanted, and I didn’t understand the concept of owning who I was or owning my power. Instead of taking responsibility for my power, I handed it over to my husband, which ended up suffocating him and leaving me feeling like a dead withered plant. It was an awful way to live.
My already-stressed marriage fell apart even faster after my baby was born in the spring of 2012. I wanted to get back my enthusiasm for life, so I ran a marathon and toward the end of 2013 got certified to teach S Factor’s erotic feminine workout classes. Despite my passion for helping other women enjoy their bodies, I had some work to do to enjoy my own.
Eventually, my habit of over-serving my husband led me back to feeling like that dead houseplant. I had given up my hobbies, my career, and even teaching S Factor to be a stay-at-home mom. I had to find a way to remake myself. By 2015, we agreed to divorce.
Back on my feet, I rushed to start dating again. I hopped on Tinder and met an attractive Italian gentleman who, on our first date, asked me about my relationship to desire.
“My relationship to desire? What?” I laughed.
He leaned in, smiled flirtingly and lowered his voice. “Desire is the thing that drives the entire universe.” I smiled. But inside, I felt confused. ‘Wasn’t desire only for sex?’ When he asked for a second date, I said, “Yes.”
That night, we went to an event we’d found on Meetup. I felt the attraction between us and electricity crackling from everyone in the room, their eyes bright with joy and laughter. After a bunch of communication games, the host talked about the practice of OM. Despite my curiosity, I wasn’t ready to learn more.
The next two-and-a-half years were fraught with a custody battle that forced me to reclaim the abandoned parts of myself. I often thought back to that game night, with so many vibrant and electric people in one place. I wanted what they had. I wanted access to that kind of freedom and joy and I was determined to get it.
Once a hard-won stability returned to my life, I could finally ask myself: ‘What is it I really want?’ That exploration led me back to the Orgasmic Meditation class.
Now that I have a regular OM practice, my understanding of what it means to have options in life has grown. Specifically, being able to clearly say yes or no to an OM has given me access to knowing what I want in so many other areas of my life.
During an OM, there can be a ton of sensation. That hasn’t always been comfortable for me. But knowing the practice is 15 minutes long and that I can ask for adjustments to change what I feel in my body has been transformative. Not only have I learned how to say what I want in high-sensation moments, but I have also expanded how much I can feel. I can tolerate a lot more sensation—whether pleasurable or not—because I practice staying present with whatever feeling arises in my body during an OM.
The biggest change for me has been my ability to confidently go after what I want. I no longer make excuses for why something hasn’t happened yet, or why I’ve not gotten something I want. If I want it, I go for it. If I haven’t gotten it, the question becomes: ‘Do I want it or do I not want it?’ If the answer is yes, I move towards it.
My relationship to desire has gone through a complete transformation. I used to feel ashamed of simply having a desire. Now, I realize that having a desire is life-affirming in itself. Today, that word feels so expansive to me and relates to every part of my life. Whether it’s about relationship, finances, home, my son, my career, or even travel, I can see, taste, smell, and feel a connection to what is best for me on a minute-to-minute basis. That is, by far, the most surprising gift this practice has given me. It’s one that can’t ever, ever be taken away.
Katie is a single mom from Los Angeles in her mid-30s working as a writer and a women’s coach.