Throwing Away the Script

BY ANGELEE

When I look back, as a 56-year-old retired architect, I see that a lot of my life has been driven by a need for adventure. That has come in all sorts of forms. The through line is that I don’t want to just succumb to expectations or follow the usual script when it comes to living my life. 

My journey of transformation began in 2006 when I left my marriage of 13 years. That’s when I started living off-script. When I discovered Orgasmic Meditation in 2012, I found a path that enhanced and affirmed what I was doing. OM taught me about the deliciousness of slowing down and being goalless—and it helped me find my voice and express my desires in a way that has given me clarity and power.

When I was married, I had just about everything that was expected in life. I had a good partner, a house, a growing business and a retirement plan. But after 10 years, I wasn’t happy and I didn’t know why. It took two years to let unhappiness be enough of a reason to go. I left my husband, which was incredibly painful. But I knew it was going to be the harder road to try to find happiness in that box. 

I heard about OM from various people and went to a couple of events to learn more about it, coming home feeling lit up inside. I had so much energy and excitement running through my system that it was hard to sleep.  

Back then, I was always a back-of-the-classroom type of person. I liked learning about new things and attending classes and workshops, but it was my pattern to hide out in the back and just observe. Being at the front of the room was scary for me, but that’s what I learned how to do more in those classes. 

I knew that OM didn’t really exist in the area where my sister lived in the Pacific Northwest, so I moved back there. And I set about bringing OM to that community. This was an adventure and a huge risk for me. Being at the front of a room talking to people about OM was one of the hardest things I have ever done in life; but I stuck with it and followed through on that goal for over a year. And it was incredibly gratifying to find my voice as a leader.

All through that time, I OMed regularly, and that’s when some big personal shifts took place for me. Being in the nest, having the container, and building my practice led to some major revelations. One of them—which sounds simple but was actually life-changing—was that I could use my voice and ask for what I want. I had the tools to explore my desire, and to use my voice to express it. 

Life went so much better when I did those things. My relationships had honesty, transparency, and vulnerability. Just knowing that we were safe to talk about anything, and that nothing was off the table, was momentous. I had confidence that the right words would come out, and I could handle whatever it was that I was about to hear. It was a whole new way of relating to people. 

With one boyfriend that I had for about a year, I always asked him for what I wanted. He was thrilled by that: he didn't have to guess what I was thinking or wanting. When I saw that he liked my expressiveness and was responsive to it, I did it even more. Even though we're not in a relationship anymore, we have a deep love for each other--a really strong connection.

Another huge lesson of OM is the art of slowing down and being with what is. During the practice, you can experience firsthand that there is so much more sensation when you slow things down and go into it without goals. It’s absolutely delicious.

Now, when I am with a new or potential partner, I always say up front that I like to go into relationships with no expectations and no agenda. I just want to feel it in the moment. It’s more interesting, adventurous, and alive that way.

Most of life is about doing. We’re told that we should always be on a trajectory moving forward, and that faster is better. But my life right now is exactly the opposite of that. I find that if I can slow down, my life gets happier. If I'm not in a rush, almost nothing upsets me. 

When something bad happens and I experience difficulties, it’s much easier to deal with it if I can slow things down. If you're in a rush or under a crunch, then a problem or setback can eat away at you and ruin your day. When you slow down, things turn around faster. 

These days, my life is about being rather than doing. And I find that it’s key to my enjoyment of life in general.