Finding Strength, Connection, and Untethered Expression


I grew up in New York as part of a very supportive family. My parents and grandparents always were supportive of me expressing myself however I needed to. I always felt almost whimsical. My friends call me fickle-minded, but I felt more like a kite in that whatever I wanted, I would go after it. My parents were from India, so at the age of 22, I took a trip through India on buses and trains just to see how the locals lived. I went to an ashram and met this beautiful older woman. I stayed with her for a year and experienced different meditations. I was fighting the dogma of not being modest, of how I felt I couldn’t enjoy my sensuality or individuality for fear I’d be yelled at by someone if I expressed attraction for them. So my connection with this woman was very cool. It taught me to go after what I was interested in, including women.

I was on a date with a girl when I was back in New York when she told me about OM. It sounded like something I would be interested in. I was really open about it and it put her at ease. My sharing helped her feel more comfortable, so we had a really cool conversation with no judgment. It was exciting to be that open with someone and have them open back to me. We just had this beautiful connection.

I went into OM feeling like an empty chalice. I was hopeful it would add something to my life and help peel away layers. My first OM was with an older women. It wasn’t about attraction, but I felt so turned on. I felt light-headed from it, very excited and aroused. I don’t even think I was stroking correctly at that time. It was hard for me to learn to respect the container or the nest. I had to learn to respect the boundaries. But after I did it, I felt awesome. I started messaging people asking them if they wanted to OM. I felt such a sense of lightness. 

I OMed again the next week with someone I felt attracted to, and it was an amazing experience, but it was not about how that person looked. It was about how they communicated, or what I perceived about them. I wanted to OM with someone who I perceived as a sweet, kind-hearted person or someone who cared about the world. I did find a lot of people through OM who were like I was at 22, still trying to find their path, but most of the others had a very similar intent to my own. 

I remember a particular OM. I was feeling my partner’s clitoris pulsing and pushing back my finger. There was a huge flush of heat on my face and I was sweating and feeling lightheaded. I could see her body’s juices, and smell her, and it created this kind of electricity in me.

I learned through OM to say no without worrying about how I was going to be perceived. I used to have this problem of sleeping with someone even though I wasn’t really into it, because it seemed like the thing to do. I now understand that if I am not feeling something with someone, it’s okay to completely walk away. Or if someone doesn’t orgasm, it’s not about the climax itself, it’s about both partners being willing to be there and about the practice and being present to it. I don’t conform now so easily and can say no in all life situations. I also got this inherent strength through OM, that helps me resonate and connect with people more without actually seeking something in return. There is a sense of benevolence.