Men Enjoy When I Express My Desire


I had been in a relationship for four, sexless years. My partner was asexual, and I struggled to ask for what I wanted. I ended up doing self-pleasure, and not in a very loving way. I practically numbed my clitoris past the point of sensation. The whole thing became frustrating. Eventually I couldn’t come anywhere near climax. I was frustrated with my relationship; I was frustrated with my body. When I wasn’t blaming my partner, I was blaming myself.

I started searching on Google. I don’t remember what I searched for exactly, but I was researching intimacy issues. That’s how I found out about Orgasmic Meditation. After investigating a little, I got excited. I thought it was a practice we could do together, my partner and me. I thought it would be a good fit for our problems. But before we got the chance to try it, we broke up.

So, I tried it with someone else. For my first OM, I was nervous. But my stroker held the container so well, so safely, that once we began, the love and approval overwhelmed my fears. The sensations were like nothing I had experienced before. It was nurturing and caring. It was the lightest touch I had ever experienced on my genitals.

I’m originally from Russia, born and raised in the USSR, where sex did not exist. Babies somehow kept coming, but there was no sex. Extraordinary, don’t you think? Back then, religion didn’t exist. Sex didn’t exist. Only Communism. It’s hard to brainwash people who are happy, after all. Because of that, I had a lot of mental blocks to get through. I didn’t really feel like I had a right to something so open and liberating as OM.

When I started OMing, I was shocked at how the slightest touch could transform my feelings about myself. I had felt for the longest time like I couldn’t relate to myself as a woman. Within a month or two, I had full sensitivity back. I felt safe. I knew I was in control of the speed and pressure and everything, but it was just that light touch that helped me tune back into my body. I think you start accepting yourself doing the practice. I know I started accepting myself.

I’ve practiced with several different strokers, and I’ve never experienced anything but love and affection with any of them. It filled me with confidence. Soon, I was directing the OM like a conductor. Asking for exactly, specifically what I wanted wasn’t something I was accustomed to, unless I was telling my barista to add three pumps to my vanilla latte instead of two. But once I learned in an intimate setting, in OM, to actually conduct my pleasure, it gave me the rightness to conduct my life in the same way.

It surely sounds trivial, but I’ve noticed I’m more assertive in what times I’m willing to have meetings at work. It used to be that a client would want me to meet him at 6:30 AM on Sunday across town, and I would say, “Oh, yes, of course. Anything.” Now, I have the rightness to ask for a time and day that is more convenient for me. My sleep patterns have been thankful.

My relationships with men have exploded, just because I feel comfortable expressing and sharing myself openly. My partners actually enjoy it when I express my desire. It used to be that whenever I received pleasure from a man, I couldn’t fully enjoy it. My mind was only partly there. The rest of my thoughts would be jumping out ahead, trying to think of how I should pleasure him next, how I should pay him back. Women, I think, are sometimes not that good at simply receiving. It takes practice.

Similarly, now that I can sink into my body more, I don’t care so much how I look: if I look pretty or appropriate, if my hips want to move awkwardly. I don’t even think about it anymore. I’ve received so much love and approval from my partners in OM that I’m finally able to give some to myself.

It seems to me that I spent a lot of time before OM chasing a climax, using vibrators and finding only frustration. Maybe that’s why I stopped being able to have them. I wasn’t able to stay with my body and just see where it will take me. I’ve learned how to be present now, to stop chasing. Orgasm occurs on a completely different level. It rolls through my entire body, like waves from the ocean. It has completely transformed my idea of what orgasm can be.

Before OM, I had given up on myself as a woman. I thought I was broken, that my parts weren’t working anymore. Maybe that I was becoming asexual, too. I recommend OM to anyone who might feel the same way. It truly is the beginning on the road to yourself.