Love Myself No Matter What

BY SYLVIE

Throughout the course of my life I have experienced a bunch of micro-sexual traumas—boundary violations with my brother, sexual gaslighting from my mom, a couple of different stalkers. The trauma didn’t come to my awareness until all these things started affecting my sexual relationships in college. Every single time I had sex, it was excruciatingly painful.

All the doctors I saw said that there was nothing physically wrong with me, that it was all emotional and psychological—which made a lot of sense. But knowing it was emotional didn’t help. It was traumatic for me because I wanted to connect to my lovers through sex, and I couldn’t. I really wanted to resolve that. so, I kept seeing different doctors and read a bunch of different books, trying to figure out how to have good sex.

I discovered Orgasmic Meditation via a Meetup and I thought maybe this would be a way for me to further understand my traumas, learn to be able to connect to people in healthy ways and heal. I went to a training and remember being super triggered the whole time. Because of all the chronic violations that I've had throughout my life, my nervous system was used to them occurring and was attuned to them, which meant I was sensitive to the slightest hint of what felt like a violation of the rules. But the OM container described was so structured, so clinical in a way, that it made me feel safe. I was really in a phase of going by the books and by the rules, and it worked for me. In fact, the container rules and boundaries were so clear during the OMs I started having after that class, it helped me to realize how much violation was happening elsewhere in my life. 

For example, I would be waiting at the bus stop—even when there were other people there—and guys would drive up and roll down their window and ask me to get in their car with them as a sexual thing. And I would go home in a panic and cry because it felt very unsafe to be a woman out in society in America. I went through a lot of gender dysphoria and didn’t want to identify as a woman for a while.

When I first started OMing it actually made me feel more out of control. Lying on my back with my legs spread was such a vulnerable thing and, at first, I never said anything when I wanted an adjustment. I’d just speak the words in my head instead of saying anything out loud—which made me feel even more vulnerable—like I was victim to the experience and had no control over it even though that wasn’t true. For a long time, I didn't try to communicate anything to my OM partner. I would just trust that they were trying to listen to what was happening inside of me too. One partner I had who was older was really, really sweet, and he did seem to notice what was happening inside me.

Eventually I learned that I have a voice and that I can ask for what I want. I realized the element of choice is there all the time—you get to choose whether or not you say something. One time I remember after the OM container had closed, just asking my partner to witness me as I cried. And I actually got angry at people for not holding the container the way that I wanted so that I could do the trauma healing I needed. I remember being very vocal about that!

I did the OM practice for a year, and I'm still integrating it. It’s like the lessons and boundaries and learnings of empowerment of choice are still being composted. Before OM I was pretty much disassociated all the time. Now I have more awareness and acceptance of my body. Following threads of attention, following the threads of turn-on, is something I still use as a practice communicating with people. I’ve learned to follow people's shining eyes—when I see their eyes light up in conversation, I just follow whatever that thread is. As a result, I really feel that I'm in connection with people. 

I’m great at boundaries these days. I'm really great at asking for what I want. I’ve even learned to say “No” without an explanation. I’ve learned to connect with myself and learned how not to violate myself. For example, I don't like to lift heavy things. Recently, the people in my house wanted a couch moved. They asked me several times to help move it and because I had a really clear boundary, I just kept saying “No. I don't want to do that.” 

On a daily basis, I'm operating so much more in integrity. Even though it’s been over four years since I practiced, I’m still learning to follow the body sensations that are telling me when there's an adjustment I want to make or there's something I want to say. I’m developing a clarity of agency and enough self-love so that I can love myself no matter what choices I make.