Beginning to Heal My Sexual Trauma

BY LUCY

Before I started practicing Orgasmic Meditation, I had a history of childhood sexual abuse that had marred my relationship to my body. I couldn’t experience pleasure. Most of the time in physical experiences I would numb out and leave my body.

I met this man, fell in love, and got married. I remembered on our wedding night walking up the stairs to our honeymoon suite, hoping things would be different. Hoping that our love for each other would be enough to transform my past. But once we got into bed and started making love, the flashbacks started. I was transported right back to my past. I could no longer even see my husband. I began shouting at him that he was just a man and that I hated him. “Get off me!” I shrieked, “Don’t touch me!”

When I came back to myself, I remember the pain in his eyes. I thought, ‘What am I doing? He is not my abuser.’ I was so sick of being haunted by these men from the past. I committed to doing whatever it would take to heal and be able to enjoy physical closeness with my husband.

My search for healing brought me to Orgasmic Meditation. OM was definitely not a conventional modality of healing but my instincts told me that there was something in it for me. I met some women who had an OM practice and started speaking to them, telling them about me. They could empathize with my journey to feeling wholeness, as they had faced similar situations from their pasts as well. I could feel their love and compassion for my story, and I was inspired by the freedom they seemed to have around their body, their relationship and their sexuality. I decided to try OM.

In my first OM I felt nervous and had doubts about whether or not this will do anything for me. The container of the practice, the fact that it was only 15 minutes and had a set of protocols for myself and my partner to follow felt safe and supportive. When I got in position, I felt I was able to trust the container and let go. Something released and I began to cry. For five months I cried.

I wish I could say that what I experienced was pleasurable, but it was uncomfortable at times. I just knew that something was happening to my body, a letting go and healing was taking place. As I continued to OM, eventually the tears subsided and I began to notice subtler sensations in my body: warmth in my genitals, fluttering in my chest. My OM partner once commented that when we first started OMing, he could barely touch me without my mentioning that I was uncomfortable, and now I was asking him for more pressure. Eventually, the sensation in my genitals began to radiate to the rest of my body. 

OM helped strengthen my marriage. We became more intimate through my healing journey. My husband was very supportive and started to notice the changes in me. Over time I was able to experience pleasure with him and sex became enjoyable. I climaxed for the first time with him. I remember how much I could feel and how relaxed I was in my body. Although the flashbacks haven’t disappeared entirely, I have more control over them, and I can communicate when they’re happening.

I recalled once after years of being in therapy, there was a moment where I felt my heart defrost. That helped me to realize that OM was defrosting my genitals the way therapy had defrosted my heart. Today, I feel so much more present in my body. My genitals feel alive and open.

I am so thankful for OM. I’m thankful I get to have the experience of being deeply connected to my body. I’m thankful for the physical layers of trauma that’s released from my body. I’m thankful that I am able to enjoy sex now. Most of all, I’m thankful that I get to own my life.