Exquisitely Alive


When I first heard what Orgasmic Meditation was all about, I could relate to it a lot, but I didn’t do anything about it at first. About five years later, a friend mentioned OM to me once again, and it was the next piece of my puzzle—exactly what I needed to do. 

I’d done enough work getting in touch with my desires by that time, so when I really felt strongly about something, I’d say yes. That was exactly what happened with OM—my whole body knew I needed to do it. I was also missing the aspect of sexuality in my life, and knew I needed it. So, I took an introductory class to learn OM, and started immersing myself in the practice. 

Before OMing, I didn’t have a lot of friends or do much with other people. I was living out in the country, feeling isolated. I ate and watched a lot of television. I didn’t realize it, but I was really numb to life; I didn’t feel very alive. When I took the introductory OM class, I wasn’t sure if I was going to actually OM. I was a bit hesitant. But when I walked in the room, I realized I had never felt so comfortable in my life around people, particularly around men. I looked everyone in the eye. I even asked someone to OM!

My first OM was just amazing. I felt seen by the stroker and very comfortable. It was a totally electric experience. I felt free. I felt at home. I felt right about my choice, and very grateful. 

One of the hardest parts of the practice for me was asking people to OM, particularly in the beginning. I really feared rejection. Just opening my mouth and saying, “Would you like to OM?” was difficult for me at first—and still is, to a certain extent. In the beginning, I didn’t ask for adjustments in my OMs very much. Now, I ask the stroker for the kind of adjustments I really want—left, right, more pressure, slower, whatever it is in the moment—and I’m not afraid to say out loud what I want. 

I don’t actually get people to stay exactly on the point where it’s most pleasurable as much as I’d probably like. I assume that, eventually, they will get back there. I’m willing to allow myself to open up to the point where a stroker can feel me. In that energetic connection, I guide the stroker back to where it feels the best. Since most of it is usually very pleasurable anyway, I only give adjustments when it’s definitely not working for me. So, I’m working on that. 

In the past, I would have had so much fear and anxiety about adjusting. I would have felt afraid. I used to constantly give up on myself to make sure that nobody else’s feelings would get hurt. I wouldn’t stand up for myself when I was a strong “no” about something, and I wouldn’t ever express my sexual desires or ask for what I really wanted.

After practicing OM for a while, I entered into a relationship with someone. My sexuality was totally wide open. The sex and intimacy I had in that relationship was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before in my life. I allowed myself to be completely open to the experience and saw how much that nourished me. I felt whole, and my whole body felt alive.

It was painful when the relationship ended, but it was exquisitely painful. Even if I had known it would end, I would still do it all again. The experience gave me a reference to feelings I’d never had before. Now, I really see how much I want that in my life, and how necessary it all is—connection, intimacy, laughter, excitement and growth. I feel like an adult now, somebody who has experienced life deeply and strongly. 

I feel more alive and more vibrant. I remember what it felt like to be young, to have physical desires, and to have desire for connection and intimacy. I feel everything more intensely now. I’m more aware of what my desires are, and I’m so much more aware when I feel a “yes” in my body and when I feel a “no.” I’m getting ready to start dating again. I’m so grateful for every experience that OM has led me to and just so grateful that it gave me back my life.