Surrendering to SimplicityBY NIKKI
I have always been a deeply sexual being. Even as a child, I was drawn to exploring that aspect of myself. As a teenager, I was extremely promiscuous, and while my family tolerated that, I felt stigmatized by society. I got a lot of shame for my promiscuity—to the point that when I was 18, I committed to being celibate for a year.
At the same time, I found pleasure in being a good student, in being of service, and later, in business-building and entrepreneurship. As a young adult growing up in Las Vegas, I had a lot of different jobs—fast food, retail, pizza delivery girl. I was even a stagehand on The Strip for five years.
As a young mother, I had a business with Mary Kay, selling beauty products. But I got injured when my daughter was small and I couldn't keep doing it. I needed another way to make money, and that's when I started doing massage.
This felt more in alignment with who I am. I also knew that it was the highest and best use of my time. I could handle it emotionally, I could handle it professionally. I was very good at it, and I made good money doing it.
Eventually, I decided to create a business around what I was most passionate about great sex. I became a sex coach, and I trained to be a sexological bodyworker at the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco.
But in my personal life, I was struggling. I was always exploring sexually, and now I was doing that professionally—yet I was able to reach climax only once or twice a week. Also, in addition to the normal communication problems that most couples have, I suspected that my husband had Asperger’s (now called high-functioning autism). When I told him something, it didn’t always penetrate. I didn’t always feel received by him.
It was during my bodywork training that I first heard about Orgasmic Meditation. At first, I was very skeptical of the practice. I thought, how would I get anything out of such a simple act as clitoral stroking? My mindset at the time was, how many people, how many toys, how many sensations can we pack into a sexual experience and blow it out? It didn’t seem like OM could compare to that, with its simplicity.
And even though I had been doing 12-step work for years, meditation was something I had always struggled with. I was skeptical about that part of OM, too. So, I completely disregarded it for about two years.
One day, a friend gave me two spots in a How To OM class, because she and her partner could not attend. So, my husband and I went instead. And it was fabulous. When my husband and I had a chance to OM, and when he put his finger on my clitoris, I felt a warm sense of pleasure. I was extremely relieved because I didn't think it would be possible for us.
OM was simple and systematic enough that my husband was able to drop into his body, experience it, and feel the energy. It was real for both of us. And it wasn't just me needing him to do something to satisfy me. It was mutually beneficial.
Having OM as a container, with clear boundaries in which to explore, was so liberating. The tightness of the container and those guidelines are what allow you to go deeper. So even though OM was very simple, the container made every nuance of every stroke that much more meaningful or sensational. Or not, as the case may be. Every OM is different.
I started to develop an OM practice, and many things shifted for me. As I became more sensitive physically to the stroking, I became more sensitive in my communication and my connection with others. It was a gradual, constant improvement—I felt more connected in general and was able to communicate more richly, more deeply.
Of course, OM enriched my work, too. As a sex coach, I teach people that you need time for practice. It’s similar to being a performer or an athlete—you don’t just go out and perform or compete. You rehearse. You practice. Thinking that we can all just jump into bed and be phenomenal lovers is kind of silly. OM is separate from sex, so it’s a place where you can practice connecting to the subtle sensations in the body.
Perhaps OM’s biggest gift to me has been its goallessness. Before OM, I was always pulling for climax. If it didn't happen, then the whole experience was a disappointment. The practice of being goalless, and being present for every stroke, translated into making all my experiences richer and fuller. I didn’t have to add anything to achieve satisfaction. The quality of my attention was much better, and I could be more present.
OM has helped me learn to enjoy all the sensations of life, even the so-called negative ones—sadness, disappointment, heartache. Normally, we try to avoid these things at all costs. With OM, I learned to drop into them in a way that makes even these feelings rich or fulfilling, as painful as they are.
When you can really surrender to the goallessness of OM, it gives you the space to explore. That’s because now you have extra energy to explore. You normally would be expending that energy toward doing. Instead, you get to expend that energy toward being.
That said, I’m not goalless in every aspect of my life. It’s good to be balanced and have a productive mindset too. I want to be my best self and live my best life. I want to experience it all.