My Whole Life Opened Back Up

BY ROSE EVANS

I found out about OM at a financial group for women. It piqued my interest, so when I got an opportunity, I checked out a video by the founder, and she talked about how she cried through her first OM. Something about it struck me as true. Probably it had something to do with how I hadn’t been touched in a long time.

It had been twelve years since I’d been in a relationship, and ten years since I’d had sex. During that time, it felt like my world had contracted, gotten tighter. I used to be a singer and a songwriter, but I hadn’t felt creatively inspired in a long time. And as far as sex went, I’d used vibrators pretty exclusively for the last decade. Going into my first OM, I honestly didn’t know how much I’d even feel. I mean, guys were fine from what I remembered of them. But vibrators are different, you know?

That’s what surprised me about my first OM. I did feel. A lot. Part of the whole constriction, the tightening of the most recent period of my life had been that I’d spent a lot of time in my own head. OM, just in the way it was set up, was so empowering. It had been a long time, maybe forever, since I’d just laid back and felt.

For years, I had kept the next six months of my life floating in front of my eyes, like a hologram projected out of my brain. I knew exactly what I was going to do the next day, the next weekend, on a Thursday three months in the future. 

Sometime after I began my OM practice, I realized I had no idea what I was doing the next day. That sounds terrible. It wasn’t like my brain was rotting. Kind of the opposite, actually. It was like my brain was so clear in the moment, clear to enjoy the conversation I was having or the bite of food in my mouth, that I had no time to worry about next Wednesday’s 9 am conference call. 

My whole life started to open up. I started having sex again and enjoying it like I never had in my life. It was no longer some performative thing where I would see how hot I could act so that maybe my partner would want to stick around. I was honest in my sex, and I discovered that when I asked for it truthfully, men were excited to give me what I wanted.

I started opening up to myself. I started feeling new types of sensation in my body, and I learned to explore them without judgment. Soon, this practice began transforming sensations I already knew. I would experience jealousy, and I would notice that there was a lot of heat involved. I would reflect on it, on the nuance, rather than making it wrong or trying to control or push it down. 

I remember one time approaching a woman whose friendship with my current boyfriend I had been jealous of for a long time. In the past, I think I would have stored my ill-will. Everything would have turned inwards and festered. But instead, I opened up to her about my feelings and was shocked to find how willing she was to have a dialogue as well. We actually became friends.

So much has changed in my life since OM. My mother, who knows me as well as anyone, told me recently that she’s never seen me so vulnerable. My boyfriend and I explore intimacy, both sexual and otherwise. I’ve never had that before. When we fight, the fights feel healthy, like exposing a wound to sunlight. It brings us closer in our love.

I feel like I changed the trajectory of my life by OMing. My life went from something that was getting smaller and more closed to something that is more open, more inclusive. More connected. More social. More honest. More loving. More.