A Deeper Comfort With Who I Am

BY NATE LEON

I was a sensitive kid. It was easy to make me cry, and that seemed to disappoint my parents. The men in my family all seemed strong, and I felt like the weakling. So, I learned from a young age to bury my feelings, disconnect from everything, and avoid crying at all costs. People turned to me in times of crisis because I’d always stay cool, calm, and collected. Inside, there was a lot more going on, a lot that went unnoticed. 

I’d get into relationships with women who had a lot of emotional issues, and I never really knew how to deal with them. I was always accused of cheating or lying or whatever else came up in their minds. They’d always think the worst of me. They’d get jealous when I’d talk to other women, so I felt like I had to restrain myself. I began to question whether I was a good person. Were they right about me? After ending the third in a series of relationships like this, I found myself wondering if I’d ever get to have a healthy relationship. 

I was 44 at the time, so most of my close friends were married with kids. I didn’t really have anyone to hang out with. I’d leave work in the evening and not speak a word until getting back to the office the next morning. Sometimes, I’d go whole weekends without talking to anyone, just watching TV and playing video games. I realized I didn’t want to live that way, so I went online looking for opportunities to meet people. 

I went online and found an upcoming lecture about Orgasmic Meditation. I related to a lot of what the lecturer said and signed up for an Intro to OM class. At the course, I saw a pretty woman and wanted to ask her to OM, but when I walked up to her, there were all these other guys around. So, I walked away. But then she looked at me, pushed the other guys out of the way, and made a beeline for me! In that first OM, I remember feeling a lot of heat starting in my chest and emanating throughout the rest of my body. I thought the experience would just be like engaging in foreplay, but it was so much more. I couldn’t understand it. 

OM opened a floodgate of emotions for me. As I started OMing regularly, I began to actually notice how things affected me. Something would make me sad, and before I knew it, I’d have tears running down my face. 

It also provided a space where I didn’t feel judged. After feeling judged for so long for just about everything I did, I found that really freeing. The structure of the practice helped me feel safe — like I knew what was expected of me and couldn’t mess it up. That comfort let me go from being afraid to ask women to OM to being able to unflinchingly describe a woman's genitals in the noticing step.

I’ve also gained an awareness of what’s going in my body. At first, when I’d share frames after my OMs, I used to feel like I was making it up. Now, I can always remember a whole range of feelings, from intense emotions to my foot falling asleep. 

When I am with a woman now, I take the time to get to know them and connect with them on a deeper level, even if we’re not in a relationship. I’m more present, and I enjoy every step of the journey. I can feel everything going on with my body and my partner’s body. That makes the experience more connected and intense.

I don’t know where I’d be today without OM. I’d probably still be spending all my time alone, feeling depressed. Instead, I’m surrounded by great people who appreciate me. For the first time in my life, I feel seen. Even when I’m quiet, I don’t feel weird about it anymore. It doesn’t bother me to just stand in a room full of people and say nothing. I can go into any situation and feel comfortable making friends and having fun.