The Gravity of My PowerBY MOLLY
For much of my life, I had difficulty saying what I wanted in relationships. I would get involved in relationships I didn’t want to be in, and then I wouldn’t know how to speak up for myself. I wanted a stronger voice. I wanted to have more of a backbone.
I would withhold so much, and my partners would never know what was going on with me. I would say, “It’s fine, nothing’s going on.” They felt helpless in our communications and acted out. I knew something had to change.
At the time, one of my best friends was practicing Orgasmic Meditation, and absolutely loved the community. She told me that she was feeling things in her body that she had never felt before. As she practiced more, she became more open and pleasurable to be around. We started having conversations that I wasn’t having with anyone else, with a level of honesty that was way beyond small talk. I took her example and started to OM.
In one of my very first OMs, my partner gave this incredibly moving, beautiful frame. I was overtaken by the expression of it. I couldn’t believe that I had co-created such a gorgeous experience. In 15 short minutes, and without trying, it felt like I had shifted my partner’s life, and mine shifted in turn. OM, right then, started to show me my impact on other people. I had known something needed to change, and within those first six months, something did—me.
I came to OM from this place where I believed there was something wrong with me, that there was a deficiency, or something to fix. Within a few months of practicing, I realized how much I already held within. I didn’t have the words to describe my power then, but what I felt was a sense of gravity within me. My questions started to change. They became, “What do I want to do with that? What do I want to create? How can I use this...this thing?”
I’ve learned that I have the power to change things. My gravity has the ability to pull people one direction or another. It can make people feel smarter, or dumber if I’m not wielding it right. For instance, I had an OM with someone, after which they said, “When I OM with you, I feel smart and capable, and if I do anything wrong I just know you’re going to adjust me with a lot of love. I feel like I can show up and be engaged.” On the opposite end, I’ve had an OM partner tell me, “Whatever I do, I feel like I’m doing it wrong.”
When I feel this gravity, it feels clear, steady and erect. I notice that there is a level of truth to it. It’s not interested in the superficial, like how many nice things you have or your accomplishments. It requires you bring your actual self to the table around me. It calls people out, makes them authentic. I think people like touching that part of themselves.
I have a new level of responsibility for the power I have, the impact I have, and the experiences I can have from it. For the first time in my life, I’ve set boundaries in how I want to be treated. My sister and I have a really challenging relationship. But I can express specific boundaries to her now. “I’m not going to talk to you if you speak to me that way.” Things like that. I’ve taken space, and she’s taken space, and we’ve both come back in a much better place.
I can now look at where relationships or patterns are playing out that aren’t positive and let them go. I’ve had to be willing to walk away from relationships that weren’t serving me. I’ve had to be willing to make some messes and trust that people would come back to me in the end. I’ve had to be willing to meet situations with power when it’s needed and be willing to put the relationship itself at stake.
The result is that I expect more of myself and others. I don’t feel compelled to have a relationship anymore just to fill a hole or play out a pattern. I’m only going to be in a relationship if we’re going to generate something bigger than the two of us.
This power I’ve discovered calls to me all the time now. And I feel called to have the willingness to follow that voice, that gravity, and let it guide me to where I need to be.