Facing Your Demons

BY KENZI

If you have trauma, if you have old pain or grief stored in your body, and you don't have a way of releasing that or detoxing it, you’re stuck and can’t grow. You need something with enough force to break it open and let it out. That's what I think the practice of Orgasmic Meditation does. 

When I first started the practice, I had a lot of trauma that I wasn’t even aware of. I actually thought OM was a way to avoid intimacy. When I first heard about it, I thought, Oh, my god, you mean I can go and get my genitals stroked and not have to date the guy? This is fantastic! Sign me up! Boy, was I wrong. 

On the surface, OM looks like it’s about sex. But that’s just window dressing. It's so much more than that. It's a practice that uses kundalini energy to accelerate awakening. Before you get into it, I strongly recommend that you realize what you’re getting into: a healing transformational process that is, most likely, not going to be easy. From my perspective, most people don’t really want to wake up. So, you need to know what you’re getting into!

A guy I knew introduced me to OM in August 2012. The first time I went to an OM event, I remember being really triggered by all the other women in the room. I had a lot of unrecognized (and unresolved!) issues with women at that point in my life. I would say I was internally misogynized when I started the practice, fundamentally hating women. (And thus myself. But hey…) When I first OMed, it was really intense and pleasurable. Something was there for sure. But I just didn't know if I could handle it.

The next day was my birthday, and I was invited to another event. I remember thinking how connected a couple of the women there appeared. They had bright faces, and their eyes were really clear. I remember feeling so tired and haggard in comparison. I wondered, How are these people like this?

Something drew me back—I think it was those faces. For the first three months, I cried during every OM, which was not okay with me. I thought I had to be functional all the time. I didn't think anybody could approve of me being in tears like that, exposing my woundedness and all my feelings. Looking back now, I can see that I had no conscious understanding of the trauma I was carrying in my body around being adopted. My birth mother never held me, and I never saw her. That debilitating trauma was in me, festering. And yet, my self-image was that I was this totally together pillar of strength. 

I didn't realize that coming to OM was going to be an awakening process and that that awakening process was going to bring up a lot of issues in my life that were very painful. I was totally unprepared for that kind of unraveling. I was always crying. I was angry. I hated the practice, and then, at one point, I felt addicted to the practice, thinking, Oh my God, if I don't do this, what am I going to be like? And then I became resentful of the practice because I thought I needed it. 

So, I stopped OMing for a couple of years. Things got really dark. I started dating a guy who was violent and threatened to kill me. I was suicidal. I started demonizing OM and everyone I ever knew who OMed. But then I had a shift. I realized that all of the demonization that I was putting on OM and everything else was just a reflection of the crap that was being unearthed in me. I was projecting all my pain and bitterness out onto others.

As soon as I figured that out, literally, it was like some fog lifted and everything was cool. It was almost instantaneous. I started OMing again, and ever since then, my momentum in general—my energy system—has been moving in a positive transformational direction.

Although I no longer do the practice, OM has had a long-lasting impact on me. I used it as a sort of micro-universe to practice things that I want more of in my life. Before OM, I was way more sexual. Actually, I was more of a hypersexual person. I was using sex as a weapon to keep myself distant from others. The OM practice has helped me to hone the tools of openness and vulnerability, to the degree that I have taken what I learned in the practice out into the world. I’m always asking myself, How can I open more, right here, right now? That has affected everything in my life. 

Before OM, I was really emasculating in my communication with everyone. I had this terrible communication pattern around expressing my desires. Through OM, I learned approval. I learned how to ask for what I wanted in a way that made it possible for me to actually receive it, rather than alienating everybody around me. I learned how to be softer. I learned how to communicate with connection as opposed to beating people down with my words.

The practice is experiential, and it connects you to your body in such a way that the truth is clear all the time, which gives you an internal compass, a sense of rightness within yourself. This is an essential piece of awakening because if you’re not in touch with yourself and what’s true for you, you’ve got nothing. 

I used to think that a successful OM took two people. But I eventually came to realize it takes only one. One person being “on” can actually shift the dynamics of the whole session. That is also true out in the world. It's like, if it only takes one person, then all you have to do is shift yourself, and then the other person changes. It's like a magic trick. I practiced that level of responsibility over and over until I could replicate it. 

I definitely was not somebody who used to take responsibility for myself before OM. Now, I'm all about personal responsibility because taking responsibility is power. There are a lot of women who are afraid of power or who get it from all the wrong methods. I remember one of the OM teachers was always telling me, “You think you have power when you use force and the more masculine approach. But that's not your real power.” She was right. 

Power comes with taking responsibility. Releasing my trauma is still an ongoing process, and sometimes it feels like detonating a cavern of grief. But as a woman, I think when you are really connected to your sexual energy and your orgasm, that is probably the most powerful thing in the world. When you are connected to that and moving from that place, you’re unstoppable.

OM was an essential piece for me to wake up and move into my power. I was never going to wake up without that kind of physical, actual energy movement. Me sitting and meditating for twenty years was never going to get me there. As difficult as awakening is, I’m grateful for it, and I’m grateful that this particular tool showed up in my life when I most needed it.