My Attention Opens Up Unlimited ExperiencesBY PIERRE
I started OMing in 2012 after moving to a new city for work. I lived a very intellectual life, and although I had the sense that there was more to life, I didn’t know how to find it. One day, I ended up finding OM online. I was puzzled, but also had a split-second feeling of, ‘Wow, there is something talking to me very powerfully here.’
The first OM was very awkward. It was with a woman I met online. I was trained informally and didn’t really know what I was doing. But I felt electricity in the tip of my finger, and I was moved by my partner’s openness; I was moved by the fact that she was opening completely and offering all she had to me, even though we barely knew each other.
Before OM, I felt like a spectator in my relationships. I was not really the actor. They’d last a year and then fizzle after the honeymoon phase. I didn’t see relationship as something you had to commit to in order to make it work. The word ‘commitment’ always sounded like ‘jail’ to me. But OM helped me realize the impact of my own actions. I realized that as a stroker, I have to engage with the strokee in order for it to work. By not committing, I was keeping a lot of doors open but I was never going through any of them. It was unfulfilling.
I’m married now, and it’s funny because I’ve never argued and fought so much in a relationship! I always thought I was a very calm person, but in my current relationship I’ve found I can get very angry, and I can access it and express it.
Before, I had the idea that anger is always bad. So I’d run away from my relationships the moment I thought I might get angry. But thanks to OM, I’ve been able to remove the layer of judgment that I had over my own feelings. Rather than thinking, ‘Oh that’s wrong’ or ‘We should break up,’ I try to get curious with myself and think, ‘What happened here?’
It’s the same at work. I had a fight with my boss, because I felt like he thought I was stupid. So I snapped back. Truthfully, I was pretty bad to him, but less than thirty minutes later I was able to come back and have a conversation with him and be vulnerable. Believe it or not, we ended up getting closer as a result.
Before OM, I would have just quit my job. But I was able to talk to him and say, “I thought you were saying I was stupid, and I felt bad about it.” He was very surprised, because he wasn’t used to me speaking like this. He got curious about what I was saying. He asked me which particular word it was that got me triggered. In the end, the interaction improved our relationship.
I didn’t have sex until I was 23, which a lot of people consider very late. I think I had a lot of moral judgment over it. I was very vanilla in my romantic life for a while, and though I went wild later, I was really just using seduction as a way to get external validation. In truth, I still struggle with that need for validation. But I am learning to work with it.
I have been monogamous for two years now. Sex comes from a place of self-expression, rather than a place of starvation. Now I don’t have to change partners all the time! I can experience that same level of variety by just increasing my attention more subtly on my partner. If I just increase my attention, the variety of what I can experience is unlimited.
I think frames are brilliant. Just by putting words on my sensations and making a conscious effort to describe what I feel, I’ve expanded my ability to feel so much. In the beginning, I would deny my own physical sensations. For instance, I’d feel pins and needles in my legs and think, ‘Oh, that’s just because of the way I’m sitting.’ I didn’t realize it was because of the way I was stroking the clitoris. So I wouldn’t describe it in a frame. It took me a year before I stopped judging it and started accepting it. Once I did, a whole new depth opened up.
I come from a family with a deep fear of the feminine, a deep fear of feelings. I never realized this until I started to OM. My dad would shut my mum down whenever she’d express emotions or anger. I can see now how he felt there was some intense power in her emotions, how it must have felt really scary, how he was unconsciously punching back.
Even though I always prided myself on being a feminist, I realized I too had this behavior of shutting down the feminine in myself and others.
Things are different now.