Our Greatest Desire is Connection

BY SHARMIL

I found out about Orgasmic Meditation through a long-time friend of mine who had just recently discovered it himself. He told me it was a 15-minute, partnered practice where one person strokes another person’s clitoris. I told him he was insane. 

But he was a good friend, and I couldn’t deny that his life began to transform once he started the practice. I watched as he became more himself, more enlivened and excited by life. I noticed how much more connected he felt. My greatest desire has always been to feel connected, so I decided to try the practice.

My first OM was with someone I knew and cared about a lot. I felt really safe. I thought it would feel sexier, but that first time actually felt very clinical. Truthfully, I didn’t feel much. But something inside told me to keep practicing.

Before I learned to OM, I had no idea what my clitoris even felt like. I had never masturbated and was raised to believe that anything sexual was bad. So it was just not something I was connected to. I was also quite rigid and tight in my relationships. I’d always shut down at a certain point. It was as if I didn’t want to connect.

Making offers and requests in my OMs helped me connect to the sensations in my body. I learned what feels good and what doesn’t. It gave me an opportunity to discover myself, to learn how my body works. Over time, my nerves started to wake up. I realized how cut off I had been from my body and my desires. 

Asking for OMs, and being asked to OM, also showed me how little regard I had given to my boundaries before. My relationships were all about what I thought I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to be. I would agree to do things I didn’t really want to do because I didn’t know how to say no. 

Now, I can speak up when I don’t want to do something. I can be clear about my boundaries. Sure, it’s a constant challenge, learning to be solid and clear all the time. But each time I step into the nest, I get a chance to practice. In my OMs and in my life, I can come into something fully as a yes because I’m aware of what my no is.

For instance, my partner and I have a guest house that we rent out. And, in the early days of running it, we had a guest who lived on the couch. The guy was an alcoholic, and we just knew he was taking our other guests’ liquor and lying about it. We caught him red-handed doing the deed one day and told him that he needed to leave. 

My partner and I held to our boundary, and we were firm about it. We were also able to be really clear with ourselves and see our different perspectives on acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Because I felt my boundaries had not mattered for so long in my life, I was super rigid in my stance. But this was an opportunity to try something new. We got to exercise our communication skills and find where our joint boundary was. I was able to work with my own no, with my own boundary, and we were able to use the skills from our OM practice to find our no as a couple.

Our practice has also allowed us to notice what’s happening in our bodies—how we tighten up, how we withdraw, how we harden to each other. This awareness has given us more empathy and compassion and allowed us to create space to soften. We can step towards each other in moments where we would have stepped away in the past. We know our greatest desire is connection and that we’re in it to stay connected no matter what.