Learning Vulnerability Led to HealingBY STEPHEN NIEVES
I grew up in a very volatile environment where there was a lot of arguing and fighting. My mother seemed to pick abusive men, and her own anger and rage needed victims, so she began abusing her children. I suffered through many years of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I left home at 16 years old just to escape all of it.
This left me feeling a constant, low level suffering. I was always sad. I felt like I was in perpetual brain fog. I was introverted and had a lot of fear-based thinking and a lot of shame in different areas. My body felt dead inside.
A close friend told me about Orgasmic Meditation. He knew about my history and thought this practice would benefit me in a lot of ways. I was skeptical. I went to a few events but couldn’t see the healing aspect at all. Finally, I went to an event where someone shared about her own childhood trauma and how OM transformed her life. That was the catalyst. I realized there was more here than maybe I’d thought.
I was a nervous wreck during my first OM, but eventually I got grounded and became calm in my mind and body. Then I started to sink in and felt very turned on. To me, turn on is much more than the sexual connotation has us think. I can be mentally, emotionally, or physically turned on, or even all three. That first OM was the first time I had ever been turned on in all three of those areas simultaneously. It was an incredibly sweet sensation.
As I continued the practice of OM, I saw how I was always avoiding the critical spot in my life. I had a belief that being on the spot, on the confluence of events and feelings and people that created the highest sensation within me, made me vulnerable. I had a hard time being vulnerable. I finally saw how I was avoiding these critical areas outside of the nest so I wouldn’t feel vulnerable and weak. When I’m in an OM now, I don’t want to be anywhere else. The minute I get on the spot, I feel electricity and good sensations flooding my veins.
I also know that when I put my attention anywhere else during the OM it takes away from the feeling of connection. When I am in the nest, I put all of my attention on stroking the clitoris. Just the practice of putting my full attention on something feels good, but then to feel so many sensations on top of this enhances my focus even more.
I have taken other aspects of the practice out into my life, too. For example, I “safeport” people when I feel like we are heading into discussion of an intense topic. When I was helping a friend who was grieving a loss, I safeported him by asking permission to talk about his feelings. He was really grateful. He felt nobody would want to hear about his feelings. He didn’t know how to be vulnerable, but when I opened that door for him, he just let it all out.
There is very deep wisdom within OM, deeper than I really know how to express. It showed me the path of healing I had been seeking for so long. It taught me about the victim triangle, victim consciousness, and allowed me to reframe my story about the past. When I was finally able to share my story powerfully in front of people, it was liberation from the mental prison I was in. That was the day I really felt my transformation happen, but I know that my healing was already activated through OM.
I had created a story about my mom—from real facts, but a story nonetheless—so I could convince myself that she was an evil person. The minute I learned to reframe my story around her, it felt different. For the first time ever, I put my attention on her story and what she went through in her childhood. Everything shifted in my mind. It was as if the knot that was tied in my emotions came undone. I felt compassion for her. The love I had for her—love I thought was gone—resprouted. When we finally talked for the first time in 20 years, the conversation felt very soft. She felt gratitude for the way I was talking to her. As I spoke to her, I felt like a different person. I realized I did want a connection with her even though I had convinced myself otherwise all these years.
OM has given me the deep healing I was looking for. Now I don’t have that low level of suffering that I used to have every day. The fog has lifted. I feel focused and clear. My mind feels lighter. All of the heavy trauma I had been carrying in my body has dissipated. Where I once I felt dead inside, I now feel more alive than I’d ever dared to hope.