Filling the Intimacy Void

BY WAHOME

When I was growing up, I was bullied severely. I was extremely overweight and wasn’t close with anyone. By my second year at university, I wanted to change. I decided I would make myself as pretty as possible. I was in the gym four times a week and got in amazing shape, but it didn’t really change anything. I felt attractive to women on the outside, but inside I still felt deficient. 

When I came to London to start my master’s program around 2007, I had good grades and good friends. I felt very disconnected but tried to live in a way that I could find where I was inside. I was very much in my head, very analytical and feeling like I was different from other people. Everyone else was in relationships, and I wasn’t. Everyone else seemed to be happy, and I wasn’t. But it didn’t make sense because I had a nice job and loads of good friends. On the surface, life was good. 

I had always been quite a shy person, and I wanted to do things to bring myself out. I did stand-up comedy even though everyone was saying I wasn’t that kind of person. It turned out that I was excellent at it, but the applause I found still felt hollow. Then, I tried meditation practices and public speaking and became really effective at those. I still felt empty inside. I still wasn’t getting the intimacy I wanted. 

I would go long periods without having sex, and I would often turn to pornography. I had a huge porn addiction. Even when I didn’t have much interest in looking at porn, I’d find myself looking at it. I was seeking some sort of intimacy, knowing that it wasn’t real. But it was the only place I could go to feel any kind of intimacy at all. 

Next was the pick-up scene. I got really good at that too. I could pick up women on the street, over coffee, at work, anywhere in my life. There was a certain glamour there, and I even started coaching others to do it. But again, there was no intimacy. No connection. Just seduction and conquest. I felt like I wanted more.

I stopped doing pick-up with women around November 2014 and went into isolation. I would go straight to the gym and then to work. I was unhappy with the way I looked, feeling like there was something wrong with me, that I was never going to have the kind of genuine relationship I wanted. I would be trapped in my head, analyzing everything, forever. I would never feel connected to my body. 

It was only by chance that I bumped into a friend who I had done vipassana meditation with. I hadn’t seen him in a while, but I noticed something different about him I couldn’t put my finger on. He had just come back from Prague. His skin was glowing, and he was super confident and energetic. 

I said, “I’ve been to Prague and Prague doesn’t do that to you. What are you doing?”

He asked, “Do you want to know?”

I said, “Look, I’ve tried a bit of everything. I can handle it.”

He said, “How do I put it? I’ve been doing this practice where I’ve been stroking clitorises.” 

“Clitorises?” 

“Yes.”

“Do you mean Orgasmic Meditation?” I had heard of OM the year before. I had read about it in an article about how Orgasmic Meditation had taken over as one of the fastest growing wellbeing practices. 

My friend said, “I’m going to an event right now. Why don’t you join?” It felt like destiny. 

“Whatever you do, get on the hot seat,” my friend whispered, as we walked through the door. I didn’t know what the hell the hot seat was, but I volunteered. Wow, it was so intense. I’ve done stand-up before, but this was different. You went to the front of the room and sat on a chair, and everyone watched you and asked super vulnerable questions. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. When I left the event, I felt so electric, charged, and free. My flatmates noticed there was something really different, something more magnetic and energetic. I thought, If this is what their communication games are like, what is the practice going to be like?

I learned to OM, and from then on, it has continued to blow my mind. The person I am today is completely different than when I first came to the practice. I was so much in my head. The more I’ve OMed, the more I’ve noticed huge shifts within my body. Before, I hadn’t cried for about 15 years.  A year ago, I told a friend and fellow OMer that I hoped I could learn to cry again. “I hope I can give that to you,” he said.  He died not long after that conversation, and I burst into tears upon hearing the terrible news. I cried my eyes out and had to reach out to my other friends who OM. I was in so much pain, having a lot of dark thoughts. OM has allowed me to ask for help and get over the fear and shame of doing so. 

It’s also helped me get over my porn addiction. I haven’t looked at porn in four years now. It doesn’t fulfill me. I have no desire for it. It just seems so much less nutritious than OM. I connect with real people now, not 2-dimensional images on a screen.

I feel way more connected in my body, too. I feel more alive, expanded and open. I can tell now what I’m feeling—warm and tingly, electric, drained of energy. I notice all the little sensations. If I’m walking down the street and I feel heaviness in my feet or tightness in my legs, I know those feelings. I’m familiar with them. I used to think I was an alien because I couldn’t connect to my body. I feel much more human now. That’s a big deal for me. 

So, here’s the biggest kicker: OM has totally transformed my connection to women. From my OM experiences, I now have plenty of good connections to women. I have had some amazing relationships, and they’ve all served a purpose, helped me grow in various areas—honesty, commitments to my desires, and taking responsibility for the impact I have on other people, just to name a few. Now, I feel I can talk to women of all ages and sizes and connect with them. I’m not shy or uncomfortable anymore. This isn’t just sexually. It’s with all women. With my mom, we can actually talk on a feeling level. I know when she’s isn’t telling me something and can ask her what it is. I am able to help her open up and be more vulnerable. That’s been a huge shift for me.  

OM is all about vulnerability, and I’ve seen the benefits of being vulnerable. It’s a powerful tool for connection. I can talk to anyone. You can always have an impact on someone if you are willing to be vulnerable with them.