The Woman I Am

BY ALICIA

Before Orgasmic Meditation, I was trying to find a sense of myself and a sense of happiness and joy. I felt stuck around that. Although I was on a spiritual path, I felt really lost and uncertain. I had found a practice that helped me, though I could feel something was missing—I just didn’t know what it was. 

I always wanted more of a connection with my own internal guidance system. The path I was on was very intellectual and involved thinking on a more abstract level; it was not a body-based practice. I first learned of OM through a friend with whom I was practicing giving and receiving empathy. We would have a check-in call to exchange empathy. Once, I told him how I checked for sensations in my body before and during our empathy practice, and he told me I might find Orgasmic Meditation interesting. I watched some videos about it online, and everything I saw made sense. Sometime later, I went to an OM event.

In the very beginning, it was hard for me to ask for adjustments during the OM practice. I believed that asking for an adjustment of the way my clitoris was being stroked was a judgment and would be making the stroker wrong. I had a lot of aversion to doing that. It was so hard for me that I got annoyed, and I ended up blaming him. Later, I realized I was really annoyed with myself. 

Eventually, a shift happened. I remember being in the nest, sensing the man who was stroking me and feeling grateful for the practice. I felt into my heart and asked for a lighter stroke. In that moment, I felt love for myself and for what I needed and also care and appreciation for the stroker and what he was doing. It was me who had changed. Instead of feeling uncomfortable, I felt loving and accepting of myself as I was making adjustments, knowing there was nothing wrong with either of us.  

Through the practice of OM and paying attention to sensations in my body—feeling the sensations, naming them, describing them—I built a better vocabulary and relationship with them. I can drop into my body and feel way more now. Anytime I have an opportunity, I check in with my body and if it lights up, if I feel excited, I know it’s a good thing. I can tell what’s good, what I should follow, as well as when I should slow down and what I shouldn’t follow. I have a way better relationship with myself because I can listen to my body and actually tune in, slow down, reflect, and discover what it is telling me. 

As the practice opened me up to feeling more, it also allowed me to get in touch with parts of myself I never would have otherwise. The OM practice helped me heal trauma I had around intimacy, feelings related to childhood trauma I’d been suppressing and denying my whole life. After some time practicing OM, I got in touch with a deep sadness I could tell was not related to the present moment—something from my childhood. I don’t know how I would ever have gotten to feel that without OM. 

Now, I can look at what happened and how to work with the traumatized parts of myself. Rather than let those feelings run my life, I have more of a relationship to them. I can stay in the driver’s seat of my life as the woman I am, with the power and strength to deal with those feelings as they come up. My OM practice has helped me feel right with the way I am. What I do doesn’t change my inherent value or goodness. I now have so much more approval for the woman I am, and I’m really grateful for that.