Before Orgasmic Meditation, I had a really wonderful life on paper—an amazing career, loving family, all the comforts of life. It was so good. Yet something was missing. I felt guilty because I had everything. Who am I to not be fulfilled with all that I have? I felt like something was wrong with me. I had no reason not to be happy, and no idea what would make me happy.
I was in limbo and couldn’t explain it. Why was I so tired? Feeling unwell? Unable to participate in social activities or to simply enjoy life? I was in a fog and couldn’t act on any ideas. I had few ideas. I was exhausted all the time. I’d come home from work and pass out, unable to do anything with my daughter. I had a hard time connecting. Mostly, I wanted to be alone.
I was amazingly good at offering someone else ways to get out of stuck places that were similar to mine. But at work I felt like a fraud and had a lot of shame because I would tell others what they needed to do. Yet a lot of what I offered, I couldn't do for myself.
I spent a year trying to solve this puzzle—going to healers, trying different things. Eventually, I sensed there was a piece only I could do. I did my best, but found it tricky and painful to be with myself.
At some point, I came upon a deep old trauma and sought a hypnotherapist’s help. Even though the session was dumb, he told me afterward to get back into my heart and said, “I think Orgasmic Meditation would be really good for you.”
Right away, I said, “That sounds amazing! Sign me up.” After looking it up, I was a complete no. I went back to circling the drain for three more years.
I was still exhausted, barely keeping my head above water. I went back to being full of solutions for other people, like a guy I was dating to whom I would send meditation notices and other invitations. At some point, he started doing all of them, including an evening of connection games. His invitation sounded exciting, until I realized it was connected to OM—the thing from three years earlier.
I had lots of doubts. But simply walking in the room, the attention of the people seemed uncommonly focused, present, and warm. I felt special. I had felt nothing for such a long time that just being in the room stirred me up.
A flyer I read on personal power made me cry. I told someone who tried to support me, “You don’t understand. Once the tears start, they won’t stop. If you want to stand there for two weeks with that tissue, keep asking questions.” That was the clincher.
During my first OM, I went into a transportive state, feeling free and like something magical was happening.
Orgasm lit up in my body like wildfire, synchronicities showed up everywhere, and people around me were suddenly really positive. Then my ego got on top of it and I shut it down. I stretched way out with feeling my feelings, feeling my body, and then I retracted. I had felt into what was possible in my life, got scared, and pulled back.
Still, I continued to OM once or twice a week. Once I gained courage to have that much and got comfortable with feeling more, I increased my OMs. I noticed I was gradually feeling more and acclimating to the idea of that being a good thing and not dangerous. It was okay to tap into emotions and not always be in control. I continued my OM practice and about six months ago I finally got in touch with my ability to receive.
I had this idea that my orgasm was going out into the room. I was in my head, trying to be orgasmic for my strokers. Then, during an intense weekend of OMing, I felt a lot of sadness, even desperation. In that moment, I felt the energy move through my body, go out, turn, and come back in. It was like my body said, 'I don’t know what you’re doing, but I’m doing THIS.' It was as if, in spite of myself, my body started to take in the deep healing healing.
As the energy rushed through me, a flood of feelings released. As if I had thawed a certain amount, reached a plateau, then suddenly, I was a beginner again. It was like I’d hit a whole new level of dense emotional stickiness that wanted to open. I tried to avoid feelings of overwhelm, shock, or out of control that were coming up. I knew I needed to simply experience those feelings and not judge them.
That was a really big turning point for me. I made my way through it by staying present during the OMs and feeling into whatever came up. Then the magic really started. Not only was I able to hold exquisite attention on another person, but I started loving it.
I had always told my patients, “I don’t need to hear a bunch of explanation. I’ll figure out what’s going on with you.” I’d go into my own head about it. Now, I began to feel into people, savoring the experience as their words came out, seeing their eyes and skin, and being able to enjoy holding the emotions of what they were saying. It was exciting, even nourishing. I started looking for people to connect with so I could feel their particular flavor of energy. I’d been missing the opportunity to connect with others and not have it feel like work. I feel like my own body is in flow a lot more of the time. Not only is it heating up and no longer cold, but I feel the energy in the room—whether people are stressed or grounded, when people are in flow or not.
People in my life—my daughter and mother—were suddenly so much more playful and enjoyable, even with mundane things. Suddenly, just being with someone close to me and seeing a glow in their eyes turned into an amazing adventure. With everyone I meet, I feel increasing depth, enjoyment, and love.
I definitely feel more love. I have felt in meditative experiences like my heart opened so much that I got uncomfortable and shut it down. Now, I feel like I’m growing into a person who can hold that much love and feel wonderful about it. I can have that much energy in my body and not have it be disruptive to other people or my life. I know where I am headed and OM is taking me there.
Michelle is a 54-year-old medical doctor and single mom who lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.