Connection Without Commerce

BY VJAM PATEL

I grew up in Chennai, India for the first 20 years of my life. My mother, with her withering looks, was one of the dominant forces in my life. According to her, life was about studies. Being the best in school. Going to high school and then college in the first few ranks, always with the best grades. If I ever deviated from this, she assured me, I would suffer in misery for the rest of my life.

Obviously, there was no room for girls in this plan. Even talking to a girl next door would draw a look that would just make me shake and then not talk to her again. My mother bullied me in this way from the time I was four up until college. 

In my first year of college, I wrote a letter to a classmate describing my mother’s behavior. The next day, my mother approached me, saying, “What kind of nonsense are you telling them at school?” She had clearly opened my letter. She reaffirmed that, unless I was married, I had better not be doing anything with girls. It was then that I decided to leave the house. I moved to the United States on a computer programming visa when I was 21.

Sadly, my childhood conditioning moved with me. My parents still tried to get me to agree to an arranged marriage. It fell through. When I did finally marry, it was anything but successful. We barely ever had sex. We were fine together as humans, but as intimate partners, things were just bad.

It was shortly after my divorce that I found out about Orgasmic Meditation. I knew things were not right with me and my relationships, and I didn’t want to wait much longer to find out how to fix them. So, I was looking into lots of different programs. I even got a dating coach for an entire year. I was 39. I didn’t want to be 70 by the time I felt happy. I felt like I wasn’t even living a life, really. I was just working as a machine to make income. I had to try something.

The first time I tried Orgasmic Meditation, I could not believe how much my hand was shaking. It was impossible, completely impossible, for me to keep my finger on my partner’s clitoris. That’s how vigorously it was shaking. That shaking only lasted a few seconds, but I was shocked that my nervous system reacted that way to being so close to a woman’s genitals. I knew I had a lot of conditioning around sex, but this seemed ridiculous.

Yet, the shaking I felt in that first OM signaled that I had found what I was looking for. I had found something that pushed right up against the edges of my conditioning. I began OMing as much as possible. I began to push through the conditioning that up until then had controlled my life.

I had no idea, before OM, how much the clitoris can actually feel. It’s almost magical, yet we’re educated so little about it. I learned that there are approximately eight thousand nerve endings on the clitoris, and when I was stroking, I could literally feel different parts of my partner’s body coming alive. The connection was unbelievable. I didn’t realize human beings could connect like this.

Connection, for me, had always been a sort of commerce. At least it was with my first wife. It had always been like, if you buy me this scarf, I’ll be nice to you. Maybe more than just nice, if you’re lucky. And I felt like that attitude had been reinforced everywhere I’d looked—in the media, movies, TV, everywhere. 

But OM is commerce-free. It’s two people engaging in something without stipulation or expectation.  It made me realize what a shame my previous viewpoint was. Sex shouldn’t be treated as a commercial asset. It should be treated with so much more reverence than that, with so much more humanity.

I’m married again now, and this relationship has been completely different from the very start. Because of OM, I was just so much more open to being myself. We decided to take a walk 15 minutes into our first date, and not long after, I simply asked her if I could give her a kiss on the cheek. She said yes. Right from the start, I was operating from this incredible place of, ‘what feels good here?’

OM taught me to feel what my body and my desire were telling me. I learned that if you want something, it so very often wants you, too. And I followed my bliss right into the most incredible relationship of my life. There’s no commerce in my present marriage. Just lots and lots and lots of intimacy. Not just once in a blue moon. I’d tried so much else. Spent thousands of dollars on dating coaches and other programs. But for me, this was the only thing that worked. The only thing that made a difference. OM. I just value it so much.