Reclaiming my body and believing in my perfectionBY CLARE WEST
When I finally broke through my judgment and fear around the practice of Orgasmic Meditation it was only because I saw a dear friend transform her entire life and body in one year doing the practice.
That got me to learn the practice after 10 years of knowing about it.
I was scared. But from the first OM, I began to feel that my trauma around sex and life had a place to melt and be reclaimed as power. I began, over time, to understand the truth of my own orgasm state: it's huge, gorgeous and is unchanged by anything I've experienced in this life.
Three years into my OM practice I have an intimate understanding of my own body, sensations, pleasure and in turn, my sexual energy that is my life force. The energy that no one can give me, and no one can take away. It's mine to enjoy.
I have daily gratitude for Orgasmic Meditation giving my body, life and sex back to me.
It took me nearly a decade to make it to an Orgasmic Meditation intro class. I was terrified. I had become acutely sensitive to the world and highly defended. Fluorescent lights burned my eyes, draining me of energy. I cried at loud noises. I’d been known to scream in the middle of crowds. I thought of myself as a fine-tuned instrument that felt more than other people and that was why I needed to control my environment and those around me. I had no idea how defended I was. I did not trust life or anyone in it.
I did follow my intuition. I always have. So when a dear friend transformed her entire life in one year deeply immersed in OM, I could only face my fear and move toward my most uncomfortable edge: my body.
During sex with someone I had an emotional connection with I would regularly freeze and dissociate, not be able to speak, even. I felt permanently damaged from childhood sexual interactions with an adult. I came to call this “my trauma”. It was part of the fabric of me and anyone who got near that part was immediately made the perpetrator and no amount of therapy could touch it.
My father, who I had been with during his final months of life, passed during a five-day OM-related retreat. That same weekend I spoke with the founder of OM for the first time. She felt me. That was a rare experience for me. I knew in that moment that I wanted everything she—and OM— had to give. I was hungry for it.
I spent the next two years taking every course available. I realized I had been bored in my life up until I found OM. The actual practice of OM was giving me the opportunity to release the pent-up energy that was causing me so much suffering.
This was a place where nothing was wrong with me. No matter what I was feeling or not feeling, all of me felt welcome. My sexual energy was encouraged through 15 min increments that asked nothing of me except my presence and willingness to feel my body and let the energy flow without trying to change anything.
I started to learn more about myself and I began to see from every angle that I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust life. I was secretly looking for someone to save me all the time. With everyone I met and everyone I related to there was an underlying mistrust and wanting to be saved coiled around each other.
One day my, then separated, husband and I were in a heated phone conversation and I wanted desperately for him to understand my pain and suffering since I’d left our home and city. He said, “I’m going to hang up the phone now” before I had gotten what I wanted from him. I cried and felt something exhaust itself inside me. There was nowhere to go. No one to reach out to. I began to feel a slow comforting energy descending down the top of my head filling me with warmth. A relaxation washed over and through me. I viscerally felt loved. I realized this was the part of me whose desire had put all of this upheaval in motion. It became very quiet inside. A true understanding that there is nothing missing.
I am still a highly intuitive and finely tuned woman; I believe more so. But I am no longer defending myself against life or looking for someone to save me from myself. I’m learning what it means to let life have me.