The Power of Slowing Down


I used to come on strong when relating to others—especially women—with fast-paced conversation and a need to perform. Through the path of Orgasmic Meditation, I learned to bring a slower, lighter touch to every area of my life, leading to deeper and more satisfying connections and experiences, both with others and myself.

I was an only child brought up in a stable home in California. I spent a lot of time by myself, and perhaps because of that, I had acceptance issues. I didn’t feel fully accepted by my peers or even some adults. To compensate, I became overly active. At school I went out for every sport, and I focused on my athletic and academic performance as a way to make friends. From early on, I put a lot of emphasis on performance in my life. 

I went into a career as an investor and a consultant, and eventually my time was all about problem-solving for other people. When it came to problems in my own life, particularly in my romantic relationships, that was much trickier. In my dating life I often overwhelmed women, especially the ones I cared about most.

Just before I discovered OM, I hit a bottom in my life. I was dealing with physical problems and had just come out of a long relationship that had failed. Being a very logical and analytical person, I did what was typical for me: I thought, I’m just going to camp out and figure out what has been my problem with women. I was a professional problem-solver, but I was stumped when it came to myself. 

To escape my head, I dropped into my body and became an almost fanatical fitness addict. I found solace in working out, running, and being at the beach. I live near the ocean, so I’d take long walks on the shore. And I found that I achieved something in that physicality that I could never do just thinking things through. It helped me to become more grounded.

Meanwhile, at a charity event, I saw a woman do an act of kindness for a person who needed help. I was immediately touched by it and struck up a conversation with her. After the event, we dated, and as we got to know each other better, she volunteered that she was doing a practice that had helped her a great deal in her life. Her circumstances were similar to mine in that she had come through a difficult divorce and was having health issues.

It turns out that the practice that really helped her was Orgasmic Meditation. She saw how I liked dropping down into my body through exercise, so she thought OM would be a good fit for me, too. She explained that it allowed her to purge emotions that had been stored in different parts of her body. And she knew that men could also get a significant emotional impact from stroking. So she encouraged me to give it a try.

After that conversation, which was by text, I went down to the beach and walked along the surf line. When I got out to a place where I had been many times before, I sat down in the sand and meditated on the realization that what I was going through was not going to be solved as a problem. It was going to be through being itself. Just being was enough. That was beautiful.

When it came to OM, I was skeptical at first. I questioned how it could possibly help a stroker, specifically myself. I also imagined that I’d feel restricted in terms of repertoire—or things you could do while you're in the nest. OM has a very straightforward protocol, and I was wondering how something that simple and direct could have an effect on me. I’d soon find out.

And yet, my first OM was a bit of a disaster—or so I thought. I was asked to OM by a strokee who was quite experienced. Even though she was gentle and gave a lot of adjustments, I couldn't find the spot and got lube everywhere. I was sure that it was an unsuccessful first attempt—until we did the frame and she shared her perspective. In spite of my inept stroking techniques, she’d had a fascinating emotional experience. 

I realized then, from my first OM, that it wasn’t necessary to be a great stroker. If you put your attention on what you’re doing and completely focus, good things can happen. 

I took it from there, and as my technique improved, my ability to relax and focus also increased. I learned how to let feelings and sensations, rather than rules, guide my stroking. And as my practice grew more subtle, I was able to see how incredibly effective slow and gentle stroking could be. I realized that the slower and gentler I stroked, the more powerful the strokee’s emotional experience would be. 

But the breakthroughs came when I started to translate OM into areas of my life that had been causing me real problems in the past. For starters, it had an immediate, dramatic effect on how I approached conversations, especially with women—because I slowed down dramatically. When I did that, I became more aware of them and of the connection itself. 

For example, I was on a first or second date with a woman that I really cared for, and about five minutes into it, she said, “Tim, stop. Take a breath. I have 17 things I want to tell you, and you're not letting me get to any of them.” And I thought, Wow, there it is. This has happened over and over. I had just started OMing, and I realized that the connection between the slow strokes and my life could be helpful. 

So, I went into OMing mode. I sat back, smiled, took a deep breath, and started to listen and be present. I noticed what my date was wearing and her earrings and the beauty of her face. And we spent the next two and a half hours just gazing into each other's eyes and talking in the nicest way I could ever have imagined. It showed me how the slow, gentle strokes can make a huge difference in your life. They can close the deal.

OM has slowed me down and allowed me to feel so much better about myself. The momentous shift for me is that I no longer feel I need to perform in order to be accepted. OMing has this beautiful characteristic for the stroker in that it takes away the imperative to perform. I find that a lovely augmentation to how I live life. I can find acceptance and connection just by being present and attentive. That exquisite attention, in and of itself, is all I need.