Valuing my sensitivity


My whole life, since I was a child, I've had these sensations in my body that tell me what's going on with the people around me. I was a highly sensitive child, watching everything and everyone, and I didn't talk a lot because I was feeling so much on the inside. When everything around me felt right, when people were being honest and caring, I'd get waves of sensation that rolled through me. When people were faking and lying, my body would feel closed off and shut down.  Sometimes it made me feel like I didn't want to grow up and be like the adults around me.

People were always saying, “Oh, look at this child with the beautiful eyes. Too bad she's so shy.” I hated it when they said that. I wasn't shy at all. I was just very present and so sensitive to my environment. I didn’t talk much, but I saw and felt everything.

As a teenager, I forced myself to be how I thought other people expected me to be. I learned to talk to people, even though I didn't really want to. I've never liked socializing. Being alone is fine with me. When I was twenty-two, I finally had a boyfriend, not because I really wanted one but just so people would know I could get one. 

When I was in my 20s, I left my home in Canada and moved to California. I wanted to get far away from my siblings, who had always bullied and ridiculed me. In California I made friends and found work as a caretaker for people in their homes. I loved the work. It was a place my intuition was welcomed, and even though the job included long hours, I felt energized. I became a workaholic, spending most of my days and many nights on the job. 

At the same time, I pursued paths that helped refine my sensitivity. I even became friends with Eckhart Tolle at one point and helped him get recognition. I practiced his principle of staying in the now, as well as studying many other spiritual teachings. I've always been a seeker, always searching for more knowledge. 

I stumbled upon OM online in 2016 and was instantly curious. I took a class and dove right into the practice. Everything about OM seemed so interesting, but my first time trying it was nothing extraordinary. The sensations were not that different from ones I felt in everyday life, so it just seemed normal. I kept OMing because the one thing I did feel was total surrender to the experience. During OM, I wasn’t hoping for something different to happen. I was able to be with each moment exactly as it was. 

It was also a new place to practice being present with the moment, which felt different in OM because it so directly involved my body. That was a missing piece for me. As my sensitivity and my intuition were heightened, I also learned that I could act on them, just as you can ask for an adjustment when the stroker's finger isn't quite “on the spot.” You can request changes until the stroker is stroking the most electric spot on the clitoris at any given moment, the spot where you feel your body light up the most. 

I learned to track the sense of being on the spot outside of my OMs as well. The practice creates the space to observe what is on the spot in OM and life, and what isn’t, and my body becomes the gauge for that. 

My whole life, I had assumed everyone gets those electric sensations in daily life. It wasn't until I had been OMing for a while that I told someone how my sensitivity to other people's feelings has always manifested in my body, and she said, “Not everybody has that. Honor it. It shows you the truth.” OM gave me permission to value the gift of felt sense and realize it's something I can use and rely on, like gut instinct. I've always wanted to fully trust and follow what my body communicates, and now I'm making a point of really doing that. 

For instance, my job ended in November of 2019. Instead of looking for more work, I had the sense I should take time off. I knew internally that some kind of major change was on its way. So I kept following that instinct, which told me to re-organize my apartment. I worked at it steadily, thinking if I decided to move for some reason, it would be easy because everything was so organized and clean. And that's exactly what happened.

In February of 2020, COVID was happening in China and Europe, but it hadn't hit the U.S. Some instinct pulled me. I was sitting quietly at home, and something told me to buy a plane ticket and go back to Canada. I trusted this sense because OM had shown me how to follow the energy wherever it takes me. 

I knew someday I would have to go back and take care of my mother. For years, I had put off going home, until COVID and my intuition gave me a push. I arrived just in time to deal with what was going on with my siblings. They were trying to place my mother in a home so they could sell her house and get cash from it. I stopped everything from happening and turned the tables completely around.

As I was starting to take care of my mother, I was able to wind up my life in Los Angeles. Because I had organized the apartment, it was all set for friends to help with the arrangements. My intuition helped me make choices—what notary to use for the legal documents, what mover to hire, so that everything went smoothly.

My siblings can no longer bully me. I don't care what they say because I'm so solidly in tune with myself, able to trust myself. I'm no longer changing myself to please them or having to move away from them for protection. They will have to adjust themselves to who I am now. A big van of my stuff is coming because I’m here to stay as long as it feels right. That’s how I live my life now, connected to that deeper truth and letting it guide me.