I Could Relax For The First Time


This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but the first time I went to an Orgasmic Meditation event, I didn’t realize what it was. A friend dragged me to the event, and I honestly thought it was just normal meditation. Like, that ‘orgasmic’ just meant ‘really great,’ or something like that. Like how you might say a bite of cheesecake is orgasmic. 

When I learned more, I thought it sounded crazy, but I was really struck by the women who OMed. These people stood in their power, giving off an undeniable frequency and an energy. It was raw and authentic. But I wasn’t ready, and my first OM didn’t happen for another two and a half years.

I grew up in an extremely abusive household with a father who raged, taking most of his anger out on my sister and my mom. He would scream at them for having emotions. Or talking. So I stopped talking. When my fight or flight mechanism kicked in, I chose freeze. I stopped showing any emotion, shoved it all into a dark hole, and hid myself inside. I didn’t realize how abusive my situation was until later, when I moved away. 

After that first exposure to OM, I did what I’ve heard some people do with AA. They get the Big Book, take the information, and say, thanks, this is great, but it’s not for me right now. 

Over the next two and a half years, I actually made a lot of progress towards closure with my abusive past. But I still had these persistent issues around my sexuality being closed, my desire being closed. It felt as though I was being eaten alive, that’s how much I wanted to open. Finally, I realized it wasn’t just going to happen on its own. I needed help. That’s when I remembered OM. 

I was so nervous before my first OM. I asked someone who I was really attracted to, at the behest of some friends of mine who’d come along to the course. Now, you should know that I’ve never really looked men in the eyes. I always felt like they wanted something from me. So walking up to an attractive guy and asking him to OM was...you can imagine. But the rules of the container had me feeling bold. The strong women around me had me feeling bold. So I asked. And he said yes. 

He took so much care in that first OM. I can still remember the energy ringing all through my body, from my butt up through my chest. Energy breathing and moving through me. It felt like something inside me could relax for the first time. And everything in my life started to change. 

For instance, let me tell you about going to eat at Erewhon. Erewhon is an organic grocery store in LA. It has delicious food, and perhaps the highest density of attractive men on the planet. Just an extreme amount of attractive men. I used to feel so uncomfortable being hit on, or even just talking to guys. This would happen all the time at Erewhon. “What are you ordering?” or “Hi, how are you?” Super innocuous, but I would respond with pure jaggedness. I wouldn’t give them any space for interaction, and then I would abruptly walk away and feel like an idiot. 

And I really did want the connection! I wanted to flirt, I wanted to talk, I wanted attention! But I didn’t know how to handle attention. I was afraid of all the different variables that went with it. What I’m going to say, am I safe, how much should I show of myself. 

But OM has changed all that. Putting myself in that vulnerable of a position with men over and over, and seeing experientially that it would be okay, has opened me up. The adjustments have helped me become more assertive. The entire practice has helped me develop my voice.

I actually tracked a guy down to OM with the other day. I’m not even kidding you. He was wearing an OM-related necklace, and I saw him while I was waiting in line to have a book signed by my favorite Tarot artist in Venice. I’m really into Tarot, by the way. And I actually told this woman, a hero of mine, “Hold on one second!” and then sprinted after the guy. 

“Do you OM?” I said breathlessly, after tapping him on the shoulder.

“Uh, yes, I do.”

“Would you like to OM sometime?”

“Yes! I really would.”

I could never have seen this happening a few years ago. I was so scared to use my voice. I’m not scared anymore. I have even expressed myself to my dad, told him how I felt. And he listened. It was so beautiful because I’ve never done that before. I felt so raw, but so amazing afterwards. Free.