I’m Satisfied without ClimaxingBY IM
My desires were always getting me into trouble. I'd sleep with someone and then feel bad, like I shouldn't have done it. When I first heard about OM, I was going through a period of celibacy because I was feeling a lack of integrity in my sex life. I had become involved with a personal development community, hoping to get insights that would help me create something more wholesome, more fulfilling in my connections with people. At that point, OM sounded too extreme for me.
After I'd done ten years of personal growth work, friends from my community mentioned OM again, and I could see possible links between Orgasmic Meditation and the Tantra I had been studying. I was feeling more open and ready to try something new.
When I met with a group of OMers, I sensed a freedom that drew me in. There was a woman named Meg at that meeting who was stunningly forthright and sexy, not just pretty, but with a radiance that made me think, This is the kind of woman I want to be with. As she was talking about OM, surges of orgasmic energy went through me, and my body was shaking. I am an empath, so I do feel a lot of people's energy, but this sensation shocked me. It was like after a climax, when your legs are trembling.
My first OM was a bit awkward, but my partner was kind and lovely to me. There was so much to get used to, and I was trying to get everything right, put my leg here, sit here. It's like a game of Twister at first. The woman was so relaxed, though, I felt like it was perfectly all right to make mistakes. I might have felt a little bit of electricity on the tip of my finger, but mostly I was up in my head.
Soon after, I went on a date with a gorgeous girl I'd met at a friend's birthday party. I was really attracted to her. We went for a meal and a drink, and then we went to her place. There was something I'd already gotten from OM that gave me the ability to make a connection with this woman. It wasn't just that I'd learned how to stroke, but we had this incredibly electric, mind-blowing sex because I could feel her pleasure. And for the first time, I remember thinking, I'm satisfied without climaxing.
According to my experience, OMing has nothing to do with the chemistry of attraction. When I had two OMs in a row with a very experienced practitioner, the sessions were amazing, even though she wasn't my type at all. Another time, with an older woman I had no physical attraction to, I was incredibly turned on in the OM. There have been women I was intensely attracted to, and when I OMed with them, I felt nothing. Then again, I've had extremely high OMs with women I fancied, women whose hearts were open.
For women I date, I still need to be physically attracted to them. I still have a bit of shame around sex that hasn't quite been healed. What I want in a relationship is to be with someone who's open enough to receive my desire, who can hear what I want, even if I don't actually follow through on it. I haven't found that woman yet.
I still don't entirely trust my desires. At one point, I had a chance to travel to New York and become more immersed in OM. But then concerns about time and money came up, and I didn't end up following through. Part of me wants to lose control and throw myself into whatever happens, and another part is fearful of what would happen if I did. There's a lot to learn.