A Life of Freedom

BY GABRIELA

As a child I had really overbearing, authoritarian parents and was very shut down. When I grew up there was a failure to launch. Even when I had a home of my own, my parents were always there. They never left the nest and so I didn’t either. In my 20s I also took care of my younger sister and I had children when I was really young. My early life was filled with responsibilities and I just didn't have any freedom. I didn't have the space to hear and feel and find myself.

Now, as an adult, I've been seeking for years, trying new things, new courses, new ways of thinking, tantra classes, dance classes, that sort of thing. I saw an OM video many years ago and remember thinking, “Oh, when I have that perfect relationship, I want to try that practice!” I couldn’t believe there were men available who would actually be that giving of themselves—men who wouldn’t be coming from a “Where’s mine?” orientation. I shelved the idea of trying the practice for a long time.

It wasn’t until I moved from the East Coast to Arizona (leaving the three men in my life behind—my dad, my ex-husband, and what turned into my ex-boyfriend) that I got the opportunity to try it. I was looking for something new and went to an OM Introduction and I was really impressed with the couple who did the demonstration. I liked the woman’s obvious sense of self-confidence and freedom. And the man’s ability to connect and be present was impressive. I’d always believed that quality was rarer in men. I was really interested. I wanted it. I wanted that freedom.

Unfortunately, my first experience of OM was horrible. All my life I’ve put other people’s wellbeing ahead of my own, doing a lot of enabling, a lot of putting myself aside. And that’s exactly what I did in that first OM. Something was off. But I wanted to please. 

My second OM was better. The grounding in the beginning really helped me get into my body, and my stroker felt more present. I could feel my body relax and open more. I was able to just be in the experience, which was a truly collaborative thing. It felt really good to have that attention on me in such a powerful and delicate area of my body. I’m not sure of the exact word to describe that second OM. The word nourishing suits it best. I also felt very expansive. I remember feeling like I had to pull myself back down out of the ethers into my body afterwards.

I was always very particular about who I OMed with, making sure that my partner was OMing to OM and not as the first step into something more. I learned I could trust my sense of a person and who they were. And it made a big difference. If I wasn’t discerning or if I didn’t follow my instincts, there would be resistance and my body would shut down during the session.

I think the biggest thing I’ve gotten from the practice of Orgasmic Meditation is that I’ve learned to stop invalidating myself. So many times throughout my life I’d sense something off about a person, whether it was a teacher or an acquaintance. I’d see a side of them that nobody else would seem to see. And I always wondered, “Why am I the only one who sees this?” So, trusting myself took a lot of practice. And learning to say “No” as well as “Yes” was really important. Also, I learned it was okay to make adjustments and eventually learned to articulate what it was I wanted. I became really strong in stating my needs!

It’s a tough process, choosing what’s best for yourself and sticking to it. It can be an exhausting process. Sometimes I have to fight for myself. But I’m no longer afraid to look out for me. I’m definitely headed into a new life of freedom.