Permission to Meet My Desires

BY GRACE

I first discovered OM about 10 years ago, and what brought me to it was a desire to open up physically. I’m a bodyworker, but at the time, I was not feeling sexy or connected to my body. I didn’t have a partner and I was feeling pretty shut down. I have a sexually traumatic story that had sent me into a deep shame spiral for about six years. I'd done a lot of healing work around that, just before I came to OM.

I used to have a lot of rules about intimacy and being physical with someone. I felt that I could only have sex, or I could only OM, with someone that I had an intimate, trusting relationship with, or that I knew well. I'd also had a lot of broken trust with people. All my life, I'd had unwanted advances and energy coming at me for being an attractive woman. I’d learned to put up a lot of boundaries and walls of protection to take care of myself—to protect my sex, protect my heart, and keep myself safe.

OM didn't fit the usual rules for me, and I had the challenge of breaking through that to start a practice. Once I did, it started to open me up. There was a thawing of the rules and beliefs that I was holding tight.

The first time I tried OM, my partner was a paraplegic. We spent most of the time trying to get him comfortable and situated. I shut down after that and thought, This isn't for me, I'm not open enough for this. It was a while before I decided to try OM again. What brought me back was that I had done a lot of personal healing work and felt more open. I knew people who practiced OM that I trusted and felt safe with, and I was curious about how it might open and heal me.

Everyone I met through OM had a high level of integrity and held clean boundaries, and this helped me surrender easily. I think I cried every OM for the first three months. It was a letting go and a receiving. I've always been a giver and a caretaker, so it was new to be in the receiving spot. It went against all my programming. 

There was a moment when I climaxed in an OM with total surrender and relaxation, and it was unlike any climax I’d ever experienced. It was without any gripping or clenching, like floating on top of waves. Other times, traumatic memories came up—such as when I fell on a coffee can when I was five years old—and the OMs were painful, like shards of glass.  

But mostly, OM opened me up to receiving pleasure and having connection. I could tune in with another person who I might not know well and maybe won't even talk to again, but who could meet me with integrity and trust. I found that I could feel deeply connected with that person.

My trust grew as I learned to ask for adjustments in stroking. The practice of asking for adjustments allowed me more permission in receiving and feeling more, and in having my own experience, as opposed to focusing and giving outwardly or putting my own pleasure second.

It also helps that OM gives you this very concise container that’s held by both practitioners. That clearly defined container gave me trust, allowing me to open more deeply into the experience.

With every OM I've had, I've been able to learn surrender, and my strokers have met me with impeccable reverence and respect. I have felt completely honored. It is such a delightful position of privilege to be able to lay in a nest and have my clitoris stroked for 15 minutes with such exquisite attention.

These days, I am more in tune with my body and my desires. OM has given me permission to meet my desires in different ways. Before, I constantly judged myself and created some kind of Catholic shame around my desires or wouldn't even have entertained the ideas as a possibility.

I'm having deeper, more fulfilling relationships now in all areas of my life, both personally and professionally. They’re more fulfilling emotionally and have deeper vulnerability. I'm able to tell the truth about myself and have no shame about it. This has opened me up to other women in sisterhood, rather than try to control or compete.

I give desire and joy more space in my life now. I have more satisfying intimacy with my partners, I’m more expressive verbally, and I have more freedom in who I am, how I dress, and how I show up in the world. There's just more comfort and joy.