Celebratory Moments


I came into this life with very few appetites. When I was in high school and my first years at college, I had a lot of friends, including male friends, but I didn't have a tremendous sense of desire. Plus, I grew up with the story that you’re not supposed to have sex before marriage. So, for me, sex was really more about connection. Despite all that, I did get pregnant twice and I had two abortions. And that really messed me up physically, emotionally and psychologically. I had pelvic issues afterwards and experienced a lot of depression. 

I developed a lot of fear around sexuality, and my connection to others and the quality of my intimate relationships became poor and unfulfilling. I exuded a sense of desperation because I couldn't get to a level of connection, and I felt out of alignment with my sexual energy and could find no peace. Eventually, I was so petrified of pregnancy and any type of intimacy that I developed a total neurosis about penetration. I would date people, but it could only go so far. Each month I became neurotic, thinking “I have to get my period. I have to get my period.” Over and over again.

If I met a man and didn’t think “This is a person I could marry,” I would throw up walls and keep up this separation energy. I kept on closing more and more doors, not wanting to have physical contact, until it led me to the point where I wasn’t even wanting to hug anyone. And all the while I kept these neuroses to myself. Later my friends were amazed. “You always seemed like you were okay,” they said.

Fortunately, I met my guru and took refuge in my spiritual practices. And that totally changed my life. I focused on reaching a state of enlightenment or permanent state of joy and bliss. I also decided I was going to teach my body to feel ecstasy. I got to the point where I would get bodywork or someone would just tickle my shoulder, and I would get so much out of it. I conditioned my body to respond to tactile pleasure, not sexual pleasure, and to feel totally free in that.

When a friend introduced me to classes on sexuality and intimacy, it was mind blowing. I started to explore more and eventually that led me to Orgasmic Meditation. I took the OM course because the practice passes all my psychological barriers: I can't get pregnant, I don't owe anybody anything, and it feels like I’m heading directly towards my evolution. It’s a spiritual practice combined with the genitals aspect and doesn't get confused with romance or cultural expectations. That's why it resonated so well with me. It was like a nice little sensation-based laboratory.

My first OM I could feel intensely from my feet all the way up through my knees, but I didn’t feel much in my genital area. But, as I continued to practice, I felt more connection and it became more pleasurable. Every time I practiced, more and more nerve endings began lighting up in my genital region. I definitely needed the physiological practice to change the issues that had been building up for so long.

I’ve been OMing for many years now, and the practice has helped significantly to bring peace and integration. Because it's combined with a meditative state of non-judgment and witness consciousness, I can slow down and see physiologically what's happening in my body—and that is creating a healing in my tissues. I've learned to truly honor myself, to stay true to what is right for me, right for my body and right for my orgasm, because no one else has walked in my shoes and knows what I need. For me there's always a heightened sensory experience when I make a request and the stroker receives it and adjusts. There's this physiological-emotional excitement over the fact that I was heard, I was seen, and received. I've had enjoyable, celebratory moments with each part of the practice, from the first stroke to the last. 

I'm opening up to be in the moment, during a session and in general, fully experiencing whatever shows up fully, without labeling it or trying to make it fit. I'm at peace with my sexual nature and can hold so much more sensation and energy and pleasure now. There's an ease in my body and in my life, and I have a greater comfort level being with people. I'm a happier person and a lot more pleasant to be around. It’s like a formula: exercise the pleasure zones of your body and your whole being becomes permeated with that.