Before Orgasmic Meditation, I would describe myself as a burnt out workaholic who tended to get his ass kicked in relationships. I thought my last two would end in marriage, but I got dumped both times. It was nice having a partner, but it seemed like single people had more fun. Typically, I’d have to choose between a relationship or other activities in my life.
When I was single and working as a legal consultant, I chose my own hours and became a playboy, going to lots of parties. I loved it, but eventually got lonely and lazy. My work decreased and my porn addiction increased. I became a hermit. I had to return to work and hated every day of it. I felt terrified, but I didn’t know how to leave.
I had been in love with a woman who was fun and beautiful and when it didn’t work out I went numb, even to how much I loved her. I just worked more. We had a lot of fights and I felt relieved things weren’t so painful anymore. I was grateful to get back to doing what I wanted without the torture of a relationship.
Eventually, a friend took me to a OneTaste event. The room felt like a strange combination of amazing and slightly suspicious. I wondered why everyone smiled so much. I bought the book, not the class.
Right after the event, I went out dancing and felt happy and alive for the first time since breaking up. When I tried to meet other women, I felt angry and upset for messing up a relationship with a beautiful amazing woman who I really loved. I just couldn’t deal with my feelings and worried I’d make the same mistake. On the dance floor, I was once again funny and bold and meeting women.
The next morning, I woke up and wanted to cry. Later that day, with friends I ran away and hid to bawl my eyes out thinking about my girlfriend. It was the first time I understood heartbreak. I had previously regarded heartbroken people with withering scorn. I had become numb and judgmental. This experience broke open my heart and I realized most people have grieved a deep loss. I felt closer to humanity.
After that experience I became a OneTaste regular. The nourishing environment appealed to me. Part of me was sexually anorexic, desperate for sex, but without the courage to do anything about it. So I’d watch porn and masturbate. An entirely different alternative was to have an OM without having to sign up with someone for an eternity.
I’d often feel sadness after OMs. I was releasing feelings I’d never allowed myself before. The OM experience was electrifying, fun and exciting, while deeply connected, spiritual.
Five years later, my body and face are fuller. I used to be skinny and gaunt. I could not feel my body, and my mind churned 1,000 miles an hour. I have far fewer thoughts now, and I sleep and eat much better.
I am also better at tuning in to other people’s feelings. That used to make me really uncomfortable. I’d just want to leave the room, thinking someone’s upsetting feelings were annoying and that I was a terrible person. Now, I recognize that everybody is beautifully intricate and complex. And there’s a reason why they’re having feelings.
I am married now, and I no longer have the stifling feeling of obligation my previous relationships had. We have the freedom to do what feels right no matter how that may look. When I need to be away from my wife, we don’t treat it as a failure. It’s a tribute to our success. We don’t stifle our life force to constantly stay together. My marriage has made me a happier, better, more brilliant man that I ever would have been. Realizing how hard it is for me to engage with my emotions, I am more willing to have real conversations, admitting I get jealous, admitting I don’t like things she does. It’s still uncomfortable. I’d still rather not feel anything sometimes. But I know I’d be dry and dead. I now see things about myself that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise.
OM helps me tune in to what’s happening and pick up subtle feminine cues. Like, when she says, “Great!” but, she actually means, “That’s terrible and I’m mad at you.” Or, when she says, “It’s okay, I’ll do it.” And she actually means, “I really want you to do it. It’ll be a lot of work, but it would make my heart so happy if you did.” I can feel all that now in my body. I am more attuned to the speed or sound of my wife’s speaking. I can feel things that aren’t even said. When I am in a separate room, I can feel the exact time to go in and chat with her.
My intuition has grown, and I trust it a lot more. I used to second guess everything. I’d talk myself out of my feelings. Spending 15 minutes in an OM with exactly what I’m feeling, and nothing riding on the outcome of those feelings, has helped me notice more of what’s happening in my body. I trust those sensations as a guide. Making time to include OM practice in my day has been key to honing my intuition.
My thinking brain is going all the time. Having the reset and turning it off in an OM has me realize how much of life I’m missing behind that thinking brain. In an OM, I shut it off long enough to let life in.
OM has also taught me to hold my attention on a situation long enough to figure out what’s really going on. When stroking, I find that four or six minutes into an OM, I’ve checked out and I’m thinking about taxes or laundry. I tell myself, ‘Now this OM is beginning.’ I used to criticize myself for checking out while stroking. Now, I realize that was a moment I felt something and didn’t have the consciousness to stay with it. The fact that I checked out is a clue to come back. I can just come back to feeling again and it feels like a fresh start.
Tuning into my body in an OM, I can feel the orgasmic energy filling up my chest, my arms, my back, my feet. From there, it puts me in touch with a relaxed state of awareness, which is when the brilliance can emerge. Whatever comes up is part of the scene. It doesn’t feel like life is attacking me anymore, which is how it used to always feel.
In OM, you don’t know whether you’re going to be unbelievably tired or happy and excited. The practice of just feeling my way through all of that has put me in touch with this grounded essence where I feel like I receive messages from the universe. ‘Speak to that person about the thing they’re avoiding.’ That kind of information becomes more available the more you OM.
See Kevin tell his story here!
Kevin Williams is a 42-year-old married South African lawyer living in the United States.