Healed in a way that I hadn’t even realized I needed


Prior to our divorce. My husband and I had what I can only describe as a very big life. We had a seven-bedroom house on nine acres, a beach house and a lot of material things. No matter how often I said “no, we don’t need all of this because I know I would be the one who had to keep up the maintenance-my voice wasn’t heard. 

Towards the end of our marriage, I was up at four o'clock in the morning to get work done. I was a stepmother, a mother, a wife, a publisher of a magazine – a private  business owner working from home. I was busy, and I liked being busy. What was missing was connection between my husband and I. William and I had a good life from the outside looking in. Yet, we didn’t make decisions as husband and wife. 

Our marriage was built around what William desired. The more I said no, the culture we lived including family members  encouraged his more and his yes without hearing my no, I can’t handle, hold or carry more. 

It was my magazine that led me to OM. I’d seen a TedTalk on Youtube, and I wanted to do a story on what OM was all about, and what it might mean for my readers. I ended up going to New York City to spend a retreat weekend learning about OM. I came as a journalist, or at least I thought I did. I kept trying to take notes and write a story as I listened, but soon the whole experience of the workshop drew me in. My journalistic objectivity fell away, in part because I identified with so many of the women in the room. I could feel how hungry they were. And I shared that hunger.

This made the disconnect in my marriage louder to hear and bigger to see. It was interesting to see how often I communicated very clearly but I was told my desire was not normal. Married people forgo the things I desired to have the things we had. I knew that wasn’t true but I stayed way too long and eventually began to shut down. 

Although I was explicit about my desires, the  environment wasn’t healthy for either of us. 

My husband and I did the 10 day challenge of OM every day. There was a lot of learning inside those ten days. It was the first time in a long time where my husband looked at me like maybe I am magic and that is the connection that matters to me. Sadly, it didn’t last but we both benefited so much from the experience. Primarily the communication lessons for both of us. 

We didn’t keep up the practice for all the same reasons we didn’t stay connected before the practice. 

After our divorce I spent six months alone in a community of women, then I moved to Hawaii. 

When I felt it was the right time for me I began to open up to men again. 

I had this one experience that was particularly beautiful – this man looked me in the eye, and he said, “You’re holding back on me.” He wowed me because he saw me so clearly in a way I wasn’t seen in my marriage. Being seen helps you see yourself more clearly. I was holding back. Meaning I was holding my orgasm in vs letting myself come out and play full on. 

What a big life looks like for me now doesn’t involve a huge house and a glamorous lifestyle. While I am not opposed to those things. They really do not have any meaning for me without connection. 

What a big life looks like to me now involves “showing up big” in my relationships with people whom we share a mutual desire to enhance the quality of each other’s lives. 

It all comes back to a reverence and communication. 

OM has confirmed so fully for me there is only one thing on earth more powerful than the female orgasm, and that’s communication. 

Communication is the art, and we’re all called to be artists. I expect to be doing this artwork for the rest of my life.