Sacred & Devoted

BY EMILY PEREZ

I don’t know any other way to say it: before OM I was a hot mess. I had a lot of energy in my body, a lot of sexual energy, but I just didn’t understand it or know how to manage it. As a result, I was very self-destructive. I had three jobs, was getting my master’s degree, and having a lot of sex with people who weren't seeing my worth. I was not sleeping. I was cutting and fundamentally suicidal. If I wasn’t at work or school or in bed, I was online. I got my master’s to be a counselor because I didn't know what else to do. Then I became a personal trainer. Then I became a massage therapist. And all the while I was still screwing around and partying. I had no sense of self or calm or peace … and then I got pregnant by a man that I barely knew. 

Getting pregnant was the first step in actually getting “sober.” I stopped drinking and devoted my life to my child. But once I was off the hook of being pregnant and breastfeeding, I thought, “Oh, great! I’m free again—kind of.” So I started drinking heavily again. But deep down, I knew something was really very wrong. I was raised super Catholic and I was deeply spiritual. I loved God. And the part of me that loved God was screaming.

As a young woman I stopped going to church because I couldn't deal with the sexual guilt. Coming into my sexuality and being in my body, I felt amazingly connected to God and nature. But all the Church’s rules said I was going to go to hell for having sex out of wedlock.  The Church’s rules were just not aligning with the truth I was experiencing. The guilt and the shame were awful. So I left the Church and struck out on my own spiritual quest. 

One day, I saw an OM flyer at a Spiritual Expo in New York City. I registered for a class to learn more, and that’s where I saw my first demonstration of OM. And in that moment, witnessing the demo, I saw all of the energy that was driving me crazy channeled somewhere. Not only that, but watching the demo (I was sitting towards the back and couldn't see very well), I could feel what was happening. And the sensation in my body felt very similar to the sensation I felt when I was in front of the Eucharist in a church. There was that bliss taking over my whole body … confirming the very thing that I already unconsciously known inside of me: Sex and my sexuality were sacred. My body and the sensations arising during sex carried a certain wisdom. And I had demonized it.

I was literally rendered speechless. I couldn't even talk afterwards. Suddenly, OM was giving  me the permission to explore what I’d been longing to explore all along—my sacred sexuality.

As a Latina, I had always been stereotyped as being very sexual. And I’d totally embodied that. I knew I was sexy and I used it. But when I started to OM, all the casual lovers just fell out of my life. I didn’t have sex for six months because the experience I was having OMing was so deep. I became more discerning around who I let touch my body. 

I say this so humbly, because before OM I wasn't valuing myself. I was just throwing myself around. Now, I value myself and my body differently. My sense of quality and people has increased. I'm so sensitive to other people's energy that I can read where they are at in consciousness. And some I want to be around and others I don’t. The goalless practice of OM has taught me that when sensations increase, instead of reaching, instead of striving for climax, I widen. I expand. I direct the energy and use the energy in my genitals to connect to God and the spiritual realms. 

I realize that I used to be so scared of my sexual energy. The Church demonized it and so, for the longest time, I did too. Now I have learned to fully embody it. I embody what it means to be the woman that I am. And I can use that. I’m no longer interested in temporary pleasure and temporary gratification. It’s fine. But OM has opened the door to a place that’s so much deeper. 

OM has brought me to the place where I’m devoted to a thing that's bigger than me.