Desire And The Single MotherBY DARLENE LOVES
I missed the exploratory teenage and early 20s years. Being a mom and a wife—I’ve been a mom since I was 16—there’s no chance to explore your sexuality or explore a lot of different things in life. Instead you become everything to everyone else.
Five kids later, by the time I left my marriage, (my husband fell in love with another woman) I had lost the sense of who I was as a woman. I was really bitchy and depressed, feeling like my voice was not being heard in the world in a relevant way. Eighteen months past the divorce, I knew it was time to be redesigning my life and redesigning myself, but I really didn't have a lot of direction and was feeling really drained and confused.
About that time, I met a man who talked to me about OM. He said when he started the practice his heart was really cut off from his sexuality and now that had changed. He asked me to describe my own relationship to sex, which at the time I thought was pretty healthy. I didn’t think I had any shame or things to deal with in that department. But the more he talked I began to wonder. I knew I was really good at cutting off my emotions. And I knew I didn’t want any emotional attachment with anyone. I just wanted to be sexual. Somehow that conversation inspired me, so I signed up for an event to learn how to OM.
I realized during that first OM that I did have shame. Five children had come out of my body, and my fourth child was really, really big. I had a tear on my labia, and suddenly I realized I was afraid how that looked. I felt self-conscious, and told my OM partner, and just saying it relieved the worry. The whole experience was just so incredibly different than what I had imagined, it wasn't about sex at all. That first OM was more about connection, pleasure and a sense of healing, all coming up at the same time.
After couple of months of OMing, I was addicted—addicted in a way that is like the great high you get from a run. I’d felt so empty for so many years, it was like pouring water in a desert. I was just trying to fill up the dryness.
During my first year I counted each OM. I practiced eight times a day; four times in the morning, four times at night, 1,647 times in one year. I had spent since I was 16 years old giving to other people, being in survival mode, trying to give every part of myself away. I remember a friend did a tarot card reading for me around that time and she said, “You're not even in your own life. You're not even in your own cards!” And she was right! I knew everybody's Christmas list. But I didn't know my own. And now I wanted to change all that and fill myself up.
OM taught me to ask about things that people never talked about, like what do women think? What are women's desires? What do women like and want? How do women create?
I gained a totally different lens—a more feminine lens of possibilities from which I created and flowed. I remember during those years I had jaw surgery, and I didn't want to take the pain meds because they made me break out in hives. Based on my OM experiences, I just decided I could go into the pain and make friends with it, and that it wouldn't have power over me. Instead of resisting it I flowed with the pain and let it release from me. It all came from a place of trusting my body and not trying to overcomplicate things with my mind.
Over the years with OM, I realized men want to have more understanding of women's bodies. I realized most healthy men want women to be happy—it’s one of the ways they get to win with us. And as strange as it sounds, men don’t get to win a lot nowadays, especially in our new society with women kind of turning into men and being so masculine. That is bothersome to me. I think it’s important for women and men to work in partnership, and helping people do that is what I'm about now.
I started OM six years ago, and I wouldn't have the business that I have today without it. The knowledge just flooded into me, almost a year ago, that I needed to take all these elements of power and sexuality and creation, and bring it into business. Today I help women create businesses with their feminine gifts, from a place of feminine power.
My relationship with my partner now is so incredibly different than any relationship I ever imagined having with a man. My relationships with my sons and my daughters—my relationships with everyone—are so much better because I learned how to feel more. I learned how to get out of my head and stop being so controlling. I learned I didn't have to do everything right. I learned I didn’t have to give until I was beyond empty, running on fumes. I learned the more I surrender, the more I feel and the more I can provide to others from a filled-up place of overflow.
I used to have so many rules. I was trying to be this perfect person that gave my children the perfect experience. Now I know to follow what feels good. I listen to my intuition. I know there is no such thing as a perfect path—sometimes there's no path at all. Who knows? There’s just taking life one day at a time.