Trust in Myself

BY COURTNEY

After fifteen years of yearning for Maria, I was in a steady relationship with her, but I was stuck in the friend zone. No matter how much energy I put into cultivating romance, a sexual connection never developed. I was trying too hard, presenting myself as modest and sincere, calculating how to get what I wanted. She had religious constraints, plus the desire to find a macho man to marry. I was so attracted to her, and I had no hope of doing better with anyone else, so I stayed with Maria.

I had never felt comfortable talking to women. With friends, I was chatty and articulate, but around a beautiful woman, I would freeze up. I couldn't think of a single word to say. My self-image suggested I wasn't good enough. As the youngest of six boys in a family of nine kids, I was always the one who was too young to be trusted, so my older brothers would take on responsibilities that weren't offered to me. There was no judgment about it, but I took on a subtle sense that I was not reliable, and it extended into my adult life. I didn't trust myself to have successful interactions when the stakes were high.

My dream was to be a farmer. After college, I went to work in my family's real estate management business because they needed help. A couple decades later, my life was going nowhere, and I was deeply depressed. At 46, I didn't have a wife or a child, and my dream job was out of reach. My mother recognized how unhappy I was, and she told me to take time off. In a desperate state, I went online and searched out personal development programs that would help me take a look at my life and figure out what I was doing wrong.

After receiving incredibly valuable training from many sources, I encountered Orgasmic Meditation. I approached my first OM with great trepidation. As we set up the nest, I felt extremely tense, afraid I was going to mess up, as I'd failed at so many interactions with women. She took off her pants and lay down with her legs open, exposing herself to me in a vulnerable, trusting way that astounded me. This gesture completely disarmed the built-up tension and desire in my body. My nervousness evaporated. I still had to deal with trying to be the best possible stroker, which is not what OMing is all about. But we did two OMs, back to back, and it helped me settle and focus. I started to let go of the need to be the best at OM. All that was required of me was to fulfill the simple expectations of the container: to stroke, to pay attention to my sensations, and to respond to any requests for adjustment in the stroking. The conversation in my head went away, and I was able to quiet down.  

That permission to simply be was a big deal. I had spent my whole life feeling confused about desire, women, relationships – as though I couldn’t put these pieces together and make them fit. Part of that was the weight of anxiety and pressure I put on myself to do it right. That energy impacted how I interacted with women. I just wasn't cool, I wasn't calm inside. And OM helped me release that internal pressure over time, allowing me to be more myself and offer my genuine heart and attention. 

Through OM and the other personal growth practices I was working with, I realized I wasn't listening to Maria's needs. I was me trying to make something happen in that relationship. My OM practice taught me about the feedback loop, there's a back and forth, a desire to connect and understand each other. Once I paid real attention to Maria, it became clear that she wasn’t able to match my energy. We broke up.

Not long afterwards, I found someone who did have energy match me romantically. At first, I was tentative about expressing my feelings for Lina. I talked to my bodybuilding coach, who had bazillions of women, and he suggested getting her drunk and making my move, but I certainly wasn't going to do that. One night, I just leaned forward to kiss her. She stopped me and gave me a look of surprise. There was a pause, and then I saw her make the decision to kiss me. 

Later, we had a conversation, and I decided to be completely honest. I told Lina I was not going to be monogamous with her because I was looking for a wife. She didn't share my goal of getting married and having a family, but she said it was all right for us to keep seeing each other while I was looking for someone. That agreement was huge for me. I expressed exactly what I wanted, knowing it could easily be rejected. It was the first time I had ever put myself out there like that.

So we built this deep relationship, in which OM played a role. We had rich conversations, and the intimacy in our physical relationship was fully alive. So much so that she accidentally got pregnant. I listened to her worries and concerns. I said it was her body and her decision, and I would support whatever she wanted to do. I learned from OM that the man gets to be the backstop for the woman in his life, and it has been so fulfilling for me. Lina and I ended up getting married, and our daughter is now eighteen months old.

Since the birth, I've taken time off from work to be with my little family. I know other people can't imagine being with their wife and daughter full time for a year and a half. But it's been extraordinary. Each day, I get an excited, happy feeling inside. 

OM has expanded my attention in such a way that I am able to monitor and tune into my environment – what do I notice, is anything needed here, how can I offer? I love acknowledging my wife, highlighting the ways she's capable and brilliant. I'm willing to listen to her feelings, even if they're not being said out loud, and then I do what I can to help.  That's a really cool outcome of my attention on her, she tends to be a lot calmer and more secure, which allows her to focus her attention on being a really awesome mom. As a result, my own life is peaceful and I have so much freedom. 

I'm even on the way to becoming a farmer.