I am allowing myself to be who I am because of my OM practice. I have three teen-aged daughters and who I am today is the woman I want to model for my girls—this level of freedom and self-expression.
The first thing I got was the lifting of a lifelong depression. Long ago, a therapist told me, “Your normal is low-level depression.” I had been in super deep depressions, a suicide attempt, I’d taken myself out with depression on a number of occasions. Then, I would come back up to low-level depression and be like, “I can do life at this level.” That’s been my normal.
Everything had to be calculated so I could make it through a day. It was a whole head game. 'I have $10 in energy for this day. If I spend $1 there and it costs $3 to deal with that person, I won’t have enough dollars to take care of the kids.' Constantly budgeting my energy to stay at that low-level baseline.
Emotionally, nothing was vivid. My daughter described it, “Everything about mom felt gray. Now, mom feels like golden light.”
I started by taking some classes before I tried the Orgasmic Meditation practice. I had stalked OM for years, thinking I couldn’t have it, because my husband wouldn’t go for it.
I finally felt desperate enough to tell my husband, “We have to go for this.” We learned to OM in December 2016 and tried it once. He said it was not for him and I felt really stuck because that was a last ditch option for me. I shoved the practice down until spring of 2017, when I asked for a divorce. After that, I decided I am no longer going to ask permission. I am going to do this practice.
Simply preparing for an OM practice, lifted the gray film of depression off me. I can pinpoint that moment with a visceral realization of, 'Oh my God! The film that’s been on me for as long as I can remember is lifting.' There was this moment when I hopped in my car to go to the drugstore and while driving I said, “This is a whole other experience of life.” I realized I can want something, hop in my car, and go get it.
A year later, I have a regular practice with five local strokers, including one in my house. It’s my husband! Now, he strokes!
With support from other men in the community, he reluctantly tried OM again. After the third time, he turned to me and said, “My God, I can feel you.” What I had wanted most of all was for him to feel me. It took the body language of OM and it was miraculous.
We are still getting divorced and we still live in the same house. We OM, we’re having fun and PLAYING. We had never played before and were married almost 21 years.
Whereas I would tense up when I felt depression coming in the past, I have a fundamentally different experience now. My first dip came about four months into the practice, when the daily energetic fuel I was getting from the practice suddenly disappeared. Stroking relationships with two different men dissolved. I had attributed my orgasm to them and I felt myself once again free falling into depression. Then, almost immediately, I went into stillness instead.
It took me a while to get that I had been the one generating the power in my own pelvis all along. Not them. I was generating all of it. They were like the ignition switch. That realization was really powerful and felt nothing like depression. It was an experience inside my body, an actual vibration that I had never felt before, but now was feeling all day long.
I feared if I opened up my sexuality and my creativity, I would have to leave my marriage. So, I shut down my pelvis, I shut down my whole body. I didn’t exercise. Any creative impulse, I would clamp it down. My sex life was super sucky—perfunctory and I was never able to climax during sex—all kinds of shut down. I feared if I opened up, I would be this unleashed woman who was too dangerous. I’d be out of control on all levels. So, I wouldn’t let myself climax. I wouldn’t let myself move my body. I wouldn’t let myself write.
With OM, I have been able to channel that energy in a way that serves me and my family. It’s woken up my sexuality. It’s woken up my creativity. My husband says, he will give up our marriage for this version of me, this woken up me, this woman who feels, this woman who’s unleashed. What I thought I was protecting everyone from is actually the thing that frees all of us. His desire to keep it going gives him the impetus to OM.
I no longer have to do energy accounting throughout the day. I feel plugged into something bigger, like an energy source. It’s no longer about the numbing of depression. I have access to the full spectrum of emotions. I feel my body and my emotions for the first time and it doesn’t feel dangerous. I feel things in a more pure way, as sensation. Sometimes I’ll cry, because I feel this wave coming up the front of my body and this is how it’s cresting. I don’t need to label it good or bad.
I don’t know where the divorce is going. We’ll see. But, we’re rocking divorce more than we ever rocked marriage. OM has changed everything about our relationship. OM has taught us to accept life as it’s occurring and just be in relationship.
I am allowing myself to be who I am because of my OM practice. I have three teen-aged daughters and who I am today is the woman I want to model for my girls—this level of freedom and self-expression. For my girls to see what’s possible as a woman. When my daughter says you were gray and now you’re this golden glowing light, that’s why I practice.
See Jody tell her story here
Jody is a 50-year-old writer, designer, & mother of three living on the West Coast.