Shattering The Masks


I grew up in India where love messaging is very confusing. My parents would punish me by beating me with a belt, all the while saying, “I love you.” So, for me, love became a very complex thing mixed up with punishment and authority. My experiences of love were based on a controlling and manipulating vibe. 

There was also a lot of shame in my family. I was always competing with my siblings and always feeling like I was not good enough. It was also difficult for me to have male friends because when I was ten years old some friends were curious about genitals and touched my private parts. I just froze when that happened, thinking, “Oh my God, maybe this means I may be interested in men?” And that terrified me. My body froze after that experience and I stopped interacting with men.

I went into isolation a lot because I could not dance energetically with either women or men. I just didn't trust people. 

Unless you are married, in India, sex is not readily available. I went to a place specifically to have sex, and it was a traumatizing event because it was the first time I realized that a woman could have a lot of sexual desire. It had been easy watching porn and masturbating—although it was also intimidating to a degree because the men can go for 20 minutes and I would always go over within one or two minutes. But being with a woman and satisfying her desire was completely different than masturbation and I just could not hold her energy. I could not keep up. I remember thinking, “Oh, my God, this is too much. I can't do it.” So, it was a very problematic situation.

I moved to the US when I was 28. But to get married I went back to India to find a wife. This was the first time I had a woman in my life, and the relationship only lasted for three months. She was a very expressive woman, she had a lot of dreams and desires. I didn’t think I could keep up with fulfilling them. It’s like a dance where you move in step with one another, and that was very challenging for me. She was the first woman to see behind the usual mask I wore, pretending to be powerful and in control. We quickly withdrew from each other. After three months I bought a ticket and sent her back to India, promising that I would bring her back to the States. But I never brought her back, instead I punished her for seeing the real me and for reflecting back who I was. We had an ugly separation. It was very hard for me financially, and she was devastated because she was so full of dreams about making it in America.

I definitely couldn’t go into a relationship how I was, and I knew I needed to try to work on myself and change, so I started going to meetups in Phoenix. One day people talked about OM, and I immediately wanted to know more. The very next day I signed up for a class.

The first time I OMed, I cried. I always thought sex was about getting something from another human being, but when I experienced OM I realized it was about getting to know about myself and how to create a connection. OMing was a huge challenge for me because initially I didn't even know what I was feeling inside. Even if I did feel something, I couldn't express how I was feeling. I faked so many things, so many times, saying what I had heard other people say. But slowly, slowly, I tuned into my body and started paying attention to the process, how the genitals were being affected, how the strokee’s body was reacting, how the breathing was changing. 

At first I thought there were things that I needed to say and ways I needed to perform to make an orgasm happen. But finally I realized that was my old story, thinking how things should be. I realized OM is a whole process and not a straightforward thing, and orgasm was not limited to a climax occurring. There were no expectations for me other than being with that process. Now I am relaxed and can be intimately present with my partner. 

Today I'm OMing regularly and having mini-relationships with different women, spending some time with them and not setting any expectations. My dating experiences are very, very clear. I can be up front and say, “I'm feeling attracted towards you. Can we go out and have some experiences together?” I'm asking from an honest place, wearing no mask for the first time ever. And that is a huge thing for me.

Since learning OM I have started being honest with my family members, and have I started being trusting with my friends. My relationships with men have opened up and I am developing friendships. There is an intimate part of me that is opening up and learning to listen. I’ve started reading books. I’ve started meditation and yoga. I’ve started writing and journaling. I’m developing more and more tools, and how I'm looking at the world is changing. I now have a lot of love and abundance in life.