Approval For My Anger & Deepest Desires

BY NICK ZAITSEV

I emigrated from Russia to London with my family at age 15. To survive the transition, I learned to project a tough, macho kind of masculinity that was reserved and unemotional. I came to believe that was how a man should be. 

Growing up in Russia, I was surrounded by a large, close-knit family that included lots of cousins in my same age group. I also had a number of close friends from school. I was sensitive and emotional. 

But England was completely different. I felt looked-down upon and unable to fit in, especially as it took me a couple of years to get to a conversational level of English. 

I only attended the secondary school close to our new home in Kent for a couple of weeks before dropping out to attend an adult education institution instead. I did my 16+ exams, called GCSEs in the UK, with a group of adult refugees with whom I felt more comfortable. I developed a kind of social anxiety that morphed into a fear of women. 

I pushed for financial success. By the time I came across the practice of Orgasmic Meditation, I was an IT contractor making quite a lot of money. But intimate relationships still eluded me. 

OM wasn’t my first stop on the personal development train. I wanted to define what I was most passionate about, and I was searching for it. Perhaps most of all, I was looking for a sense of belonging. In my introductory OM class, I could feel that my life was about to change. From the very beginning, I felt myself reconnecting to the sensitive self that I had suppressed. My first OM felt quite natural, and I felt something click inside. It was as though I had found a purpose for my sensitivity that, until then, I had regarded only with frustration. I could feel into the right stroke, and I was at home with the practice from the very start. 

My first few OMs were like diving deep into a warm pool. It felt safe and nourishing to my body and soul. I gained access to a level of connection that had been completely missing from my life. I touched a spot in myself that had never been touched before. It was like my body was filling up with energy. There was a marked difference between when I OMed and when I didn’t. I began to opt for OM over evenings spent alone in my studio flat watching movies and pornography. 

Over time, I found approval for my authentic feelings and deepest desires. I was able to confront a past that included a violent, alcoholic father, who had left a great deal of resentment towards men in his wake. As the eldest boy in the family, I had picked up the message that it was not ok to be a man. As a result, my sex drive was mostly dormant and unexpressed. 

Approaching women to ask for OMs brought my deep-seated fears of rejection to the surface. The first five women I asked said no. But there is something about OM that makes it possible to identify repetitive patterns and, instead of running away, leaning in to understand and defuse them. I gradually began to release my fear of women and my shame about my desire for them. 

To me, OM is about overcoming the past transforming it, getting over it.  I would say that the practice is alchemical in this regard. It’s like this pure energy starts to fill up your body, and the only way that it can completely gain access to every part of you is by highlighting emotional blocks to its free movement around your body.

It’s been an intensely clearing process in that way. I’ve learned how to channel my suppressed rage and frustration by simply approving of these feelings as they arise and continuing the meditation. I can bring whatever I’m feeling to the practice and have it transmuted. 

For the first time in my life, I’ve begun to be successful with women. I’ve learned what it really means to connect with a woman at the level of felt sensation and have discovered that it is far more fulfilling to put attention on her and to share my vulnerabilities and insecurities rather than suppress them.

It has been four years since I began to OM, and I feel liberated and connected to a me that I didn’t know existed, but whose depth and subtlety I have really come to appreciate.