Connecting to My Anger

BY SAMANTHA CLARIN

I’ve been on a long journey of personal development. It began twenty years ago when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I went through a lot of pain, depression and anxiety and I was on medication. I also have a hair trigger with anger. My father was a lovely but very angry man. I remember his massive terrifying outbursts, and sometimes I get so angry that I can’t even feel my body. 

The first time I went to an OM event, I sat up front in the hot seat. I was wearing a bright top and a bracelet. The organizer said, “What do we notice about Samantha?” And someone replied. “She’s wearing bright accessories. She wants attention.” It was the first time in my life I was given permission to be who I was: someone who likes bright colors and who speaks with a loud voice. I’d craved attention for 50 years of my life and here, in a room full of strangers, they had identified that in me. My ex-husband was French and in France women only wear black, brown, navy blue and grey. I once dressed in bright pink, and he said to me, “If that’s what you’re wearing, you’re not going out with me.”

I came to OM totally detached from my body. Even though I am an EFT practitioner, I still struggled with OM at first. I knew I was feeling anger and sadness, but I could still do a lot, even without body awareness. I felt nothing for my first three OMs. Then I went to one guy’s house. His house wasn’t very warm and during the OM my body was spasming throughout. I thought it was the cold, but I realize now that it was just my body not knowing what to do with all the energy. 

Until OM, my only experience of sexual climax was where you contract your body and tense every single muscle and eventually tip over an edge. Your body literally can’t contract anymore so it has to climax and spasm the energy out. Thanks to OM, I began to practice relaxing. As soon as you feel you’re tensing your thighs or your legs or your groin or whatever, you relax, relax, relax. 

I focused on this for five months. It was then that I experienced my first non-gripping climax. There was a slow build up. There was no tension. It felt like a wave rolling over me. I had an expansive feeling of, “Wow, I am no longer my body. I am much larger than my body.”

But I think I was over-doing it on the self-development front and travelling too much. My OMs suddenly started to feel flat. I was in a new relationship with a man and we OMed a lot. But I was so tense. I’d try to be intelligent. And then finally, an OM friend said to me, “Just concentrate and say something about your clitoris.”

That was great because I relaxed. I started feeling the electricity again - between the finger and my clitoris. A buzzing, like when the engine’s idling and you feel that low-level hum. My OMs became deeper. Sometimes I now feel as if I’m being touched when I’m not being touched. Then I started to notice when I was peaking. You get to a point when the next stroke doesn’t feel so good so then I take a big deep in-breath. I noticed there’s this rhythm. Like, “Oh that was a peak.” And this would happen four or five times in an OM.

Soon afterwards, I met a man and I told him that I OM and he said, “What the hell is that?” I showed him how to OM and we also started dating. Through OMing he is able to clue in what I want. I’ve never felt so seen and heard by a man. I believe my desire manifested him. He shops and cooks and strokes and pleases me. When I get angry, he holds me and waits for my anger to subside. 

I’ve come to realize that I have trauma, although I don’t believe I suffered any specific event. OM is the only place I feel safe enough to relax and surrender and breathe and feel my body. OM is helping me process that trauma. My self-development quest sorted a lot of issues out, but I believe OM is sorting out the last 10 per cent. I am now off medication.

I believe that I have stored up fifty years of anger, or self-sabotage - let’s call it what it is. I believe that my inflammatory condition has to do with my anger. It’s an anger which, until OM, I had no permission to express. The only safe place to put the anger was to turn it against myself. I am now able to be fully expressive.