Unconditional Love Others Can Feel

BY PEGGY

I always thought I loved my children. I was a good mother, and I worried about them and wanted the best for them.  It was only after I came to OM that I saw how much of that love was wrapped up in my own stuff.  It’s not that I didn’t adore them before – it’s that I can accept them now, exactly as they are.  That’s the gift OM gave to me, and to them.  That alone would be worth it, but there’s so much more.

I never felt like I fit in anywhere when I was young, and that was because I fit in everywhere.  I wasn’t prom queen, but I was a popular girl. Part of that popularity was because of how I looked, and part of it was that I was friendly to everyone. I realize now I wasn’t very discerning!  I could hang out with the jocks, the nerds, the greasers, and feel both equally at home – and not at home.  I knew so many kids who seemed to have a sense of destiny, even if it didn’t come true for them: “I’m gonna be a football player,” or “I’m going to be a Senator someday,” or “I’m gonna have six kids.” I was a little envious of all that certainty.

Wanting certainty was why I got married at 22. My husband was certain about me, and I liked that.  He loved me, and in my own way, I loved him very much.  Marrying him, and then having two children soon thereafter, settled the question of what I was supposed to become.  I’m a wife, and a mom, and of course I’ll work and do other things, but my family is my main focus.  I kept that working for 17 years; we divorced when I was 39. 

He left me, and it was amicable and without drama. I’m so glad he was the one who pulled the trigger, he wasn’t willing to settle but I already had.  He started the spiritual journey for both of us.  It was because of the divorce that I started reading books about self-improvement, and began my journey to find out who I was and what I was really here to do. Over the next few years after the divorce, I became a Reiki master, a massage therapist, and a coach. I really had a reinvention in my forties.

I wanted a relationship, though – an adult one. I had a second marriage at 50, and it also didn’t work out.  This time, though, I was the one who left.  I had enough hard-earned sense to know when to go. It was right that I go, but I was lonely.  I didn’t want to be on my own without a partner, especially as I was getting older.  I had a lot of friends to lean on, and it was one of those friends who one day sent me a link to a video about OM.

When I saw the clip of what OM was like, I sobbed. I broke down, my tears coming from a very deep place. I watched it three times in a row and cried each time. I felt so much longing for that kind of intimacy, as if at 54 I was finally seeing what I had wanted all my life and never known I’d needed. Even now, I can feel that aching in my body. I saw something I wanted, and I wasn’t sure how to get it, but I knew I had to go look for it. I’d had no clue where to look for so long, but now it was in front of me.  I remember thinking, people actually do this.  Part of me was aghast, but most of me was drawn in.  And the sobbing was my sign that this was real, and I had to act.

My first OM brought up a lot of old stuff.  I was nervous about the whole process, and when it started, I went on autopilot for a moment. I was straining to figure out if I was doing it right.  And then, within the first couple of minutes, I was able to let go of that.  I focused on the sensation of where his finger was.  I’m a strong woman, you know; I don’t have a problem saying “higher” or “a little to the right.”

I started to get shots of color, and tinglings.  I’m a cerebral person, and I can get lost in my head very easily.  And starting with the first OM, and growing with each subsequent one, I could feel myself being brought back into my body. It wasn’t an orgasm itself I wanted, it was the vibration that aligned my whole body, so that my heart and my head weren’t closed off from each other. Maybe it’s because of all the body work I’ve done before, but that for me was and is the greatest payoff of OM – this way that it aligns you with yourself and everyone else.

I wasn’t expecting OM to change my relationship with my son and my daughter.  I’ve always loved them, and I believe I loved them unconditionally.  The difference is that now I feel this incredible warmth and expansion towards them.  And that manifests as an acceptance they can feel. 

My son was very heavy for a long time, and that bothered me.  I’m a petite health coach, and at one point he was over 300 pounds.  He ate very poorly.  And I nagged him; I thought I was doing it for his health, but the reality is that I was partly doing it because I thought he reflected poorly on me.  We had some epic battles about it, until I got to the point, thanks to my OM practice, that it hit me: all he really wanted was my total acceptance.  He needed me to love him as much when he was overweight as I would when he was fit, and he needed to feel that love.   It wasn’t that OM opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to accept my son; it wasn’t an intellectual thing.  It was that acceptance radiated out from inside of me because of OM, and my son felt it. 

I stopped nagging.  I started letting him be.  And he ended up making a big shift and losing over 100 pounds.  He couldn’t have done that if he were doing it for me.  He had to know I embraced him equally no matter what.

My daughter is gay.  She came out in college, and of course, I accepted her.  Again, though, she could feel something lacking about that acceptance.  Maybe it was just a worry, or a confusion on my part – that sense that maybe it was “something I did” that made her a lesbian.  Intellectually, I had no problem with a gay daughter; deep inside, I probably did.  And as with my son’s weight, the radical acceptance of my daughter as perfect just as she is only came about when OM shifted something deep in me.  Now I look at her, this great voluptuous strong woman, and I admire and respect her with every fiber of my being.  She can feel it, too.  It’s made our relationship so much closer.

I’m in the early stages of a relationship right now.  It feels different, I’m not choosing a man because he chose me. I’m rooted in myself, connected to my body, and far more clear about who I am now. I won’t say that clarity makes everything better all the time; life isn’t endless sunshine and roses.  But I have a truth I’m always tapped into and willing to follow.  That’s an incredible thing for someone like me to have.