I Gained So Much Confidence Through OM

BY MELANIE

I took society’s path in life, fulfilling everyone else's desires about what life should look like, getting married, having a reasonably paid, reasonably low-skilled job, having kids, having a nice house, having a nice car, going on a really nice holiday every year. I just kept ticking the boxes figuring I would be happy when I did the next thing or the next or the next. But I was really not happy at all.

My (now ex) husband was a lot older than me and set in his ways. He pretended to listen to what I had to say and would basically tell me what he thought I wanted to hear. But he didn’t listen to me. And he never did respond to any of my needs. He’d say he would change and then life would just go on the same way it always had. And I would get so angry. Then he’d placate me and say more things I wanted to hear and then still nothing would change. 

In addition to poor communication, the sex wasn’t good. I didn't climax. I couldn’t really, unless I was in my head, fantasizing, and therefore not connected with him. Over time the fantasies had to get more and more extreme and rather dark for something to push me over the edge. I didn't like where this was going, but I was caught in a cycle that I knew wasn't going to change. I kept thinking, “Oh my god. Is this it?” It was just so soul destroying.

Even so, I kept believing that my love could be enough to help my husband through his issues—that I could rescue him and we could live this perfect relationship and be a really happy family. But when we tried to have children, I always lost the babies. It was like my body was saying “No! I do not want to have children with this man!” 

I've always felt that love was the answer, that if you love someone, you can get through anything. But my marriage taught me that you have to have a lot more compatibility and that love doesn't conquer everything. Eventually I started feeling attracted to other men—there was this Italian man that really got my attention, and he made me realize I needed to get a divorce. But even after I was divorced, I still wanted to go back to my husband because there was still that pull of the security of it all.

After the divorce I went to a spiritual fair down in London, and there was a talk about Orgasmic Meditation. The talk really hit me because I had always struggled to climax and I was constantly thinking “I'm broken. I don't work properly. Something's wrong with me.” I thought that maybe OM would fix me. Of course, that's not what it did at all. Instead it showed me that I didn't need fixing at all and that I'm fine as I am. But wanting to be fixed, and knowing that meditation would be good for me got me in the room that first time. After that talk I was in a class to learn more about OM the next day.

In my first OM, the guy was absolutely petrified. I can’t say anything much happened but I felt like I needed to keep following this thread—that there was something there that was going to open me up and show me the things that I'd been searching for. One thing that did surprise me was how light his touch was. I was used to the strength of vibrators, so to just receive a light stroke and focus my attention on what was happening in my body was really powerful. 

Before, in sex, it was always about the goal of the climax. Now, with OM, I was being trained to simply place my attention on a tiny little sensation. Leaning into awareness, the sensation was getting softer and softer. But that softer approach also helped me expand and be more open. Before OM, using my vibrator all the time, I thought the physical approach had to be massive and heavy and the sensation so high to come to orgasm. But in the practice, I was constantly learning, “How can I hold this sensation? How can I expand into this sensation?”  

The OM approach has a great freedom to it. I don’t have to rely on vibrators or torture myself with fantasies anymore. And the practice has encouraged me to go beyond so much of the negative self-talk I had in my head, especially around relationships. It’s taught me to prioritize nourishment and recognize which parts of me are getting nourished in a relationship, and which ones aren’t. OM has also gotten me out of thinking I have to tick all the “right” boxes for a relationship to be good for me.

For example, after my divorce I developed a friendship with a man who was clear with me from the start that he was non-monogamous. And that wasn’t “right” for me. It was obvious we loved each other, even though our relationship wasn’t sexual. And then one day we started kissing and it was so nourishing, I opened up to the relationship despite the monogamy issue. And that was only possible because of OM. I felt my body telling me, “There is something here. You need to give him the space to work that out on his own.”

Today, I’m unbelievably happy with my life. I have some really amazing close friendships, and my relationship with my partner mirrors the goallessness of our OM practice. I’ve learned how to receive and let him do the lovely things for me that he wants to do. I no longer have that frenzy to get myself heard. I know how to be very specific about what I want and give myself permission to have that.

On the employment side of things, OM has given me the confidence to step into being my own boss. Before I didn't want to step outside of my comfort zone and put myself at risk in any way. Now I know that I can make mistakes and lean into the sensation without running away.

I can do anything I really want to. I have the resilience to expand into whatever feels right.