OM is the foundation of everything I have nowBY MARYANN
I came to OM because my relationships weren’t working, and I was exhausted. I’d been beaten up pretty good by life and by my own choices.
I got married very young. That’s not uncommon here in Utah, and it was certainly something that was expected in my faith. It was not an easy marriage. My husband and I didn’t have many tools, and we didn’t have much in common. We had our religion – and we were both under the control of his mother. My mother-in-law had us all under her thumb; I lived to please her and my husband and, in time, my children. My needs and desires weren’t only irrelevant, they were pushed down so far that I wouldn’t have recognized them if they walked in the front door.
Somehow, I found the strength to divorce him – and my mother-in-law. It wasn’t easy, and my family was upset. Divorce is not a thing our people do. I did it anyway, because I felt I couldn’t go on living in a lie, but I ended up with very little support from those around me. I was living on a farm in the middle of nowhere, and my younger child needed me full time – she has cerebral palsy. I took on all that challenge rather than stay any longer in that painful marriage, but there were times I doubted I could make it.
My relationships after the divorce weren’t much better. I dated a complete narcissist for much too long. My self-esteem was shot, I had gained a lot of weight, and I convinced myself I couldn’t do better. I should have bailed out after a few days; instead, I stayed with him for several years. After I finally ended this second painful relationship, I dated without success until I met an incredible guy. We had chemistry, I felt his respect, I felt hope – and then, he ghosted me. It flipped my world upside down, but it was also the best thing that could have happened. He left me wanting more, not just from him but from the world. And if he wasn’t going to be the one, then I realized I needed to make the changes so that I could have happiness like that in my life. He made me feel like I wasn’t damaged goods. I wasn’t ready to go back to feeling that I was.
Before he disappeared, this man had mentioned OM to me. He described it, and it sounded fascinating. He said we could do it together, and after he ghosted me, I decided that I should look into doing it without him. It took me a while to work up the courage, but I finally signed up and went to my first event.
The first person I met was this wonderfully warm guy who introduced himself as David. He was another student. He gave me a hug, and it felt great. I hadn’t been hugged like that in a long time. I thought to myself, “If OM is going to be like this, I think I’ll stay.” But when it came time to have an actual OM, I panicked. I was going to be doing it with David, but even though I had felt an instant connection with him, when it hit me that I’d have to take off my pants in front of this man I’d just met, I started to panic. All my old religious programming swelled up. I decided to push through it and tried to rush it before I chickened out. I pulled down my jeans and climbed into the nest – and David told me to wait. He was gentle, he was reassuring, and he wanted to talk through what we were going to do. At first that scared me more, but his voice soothed me, and we sat and talked for a while until I was able to get into the nest with more calm.
Within less than a minute of David touching my clitoris, I had an intense, full-blown orgasm. It felt as if my clitoris jumped up and grabbed his finger. It was deep, it was shattering, and I was so totally unprepared for it. He didn’t laugh or sexualize it or anything; he just stayed with me. Afterwards, my body still trembling in wonder and aftershocks, he did the grounding step to pull me back into my body. That was my favorite part, that intentional guided return into myself after the OM. As good as the orgasm was, the connecting back into myself was better. I walked out of that first OM with that sense that a switch had been flipped; now, I thought, I finally understand what they mean when they call it getting “turned on.”
For someone who had struggled with sexual shame for so long, to feel this much pleasure and this much confidence was nothing short of a revelation. I want to be clear, OM itself is so much more than something sexual – but at the same time, it restored my sexuality. One of the things I wanted for myself after my ghosting experience was to be a woman who could own her erotic self. I didn’t know how that would happen, but OM gave me that. And from that awakening, so many other things followed.
I live in Oregon now. I sold my farm and my horses, my chickens and other animals. I left rural Utah behind and moved to be with David. Yeah, I don’t know how many people should expect to end up in a long-term relationship with the first person they OM with. I don’t want to create that expectation! At the same time, this really did happen, and it keeps happening. I love my life with David; he makes me laugh and he lights me up. He loves my children. I’m 47, and I’m finally enjoying my life.
I look at my ex-mother-in-law, and I realize now that she was so controlling because she felt so empty in other respects. Control was all she had. OM has filled me up, and I can come to my parenting from that fullness. I don’t need to control my children; I can be there for them, setting the best example I can. I’m breaking an old cycle.
OM is the foundation of everything I have now. Orgasm doesn’t just feel good to me, it sustains David and me. The practice has taught him how to hold space for me, and it’s taught us both how to say no to each other. We both were people-pleasers before we found OM. Now, we each get to own our own desires. After what I came from, that’s so liberating. We laugh together a lot; that’s worth everything to me.
I still sometimes can’t believe I can ask for whatever I want, but I’m the kind of person who can do that now. I know exactly where that confidence comes from.