Deepening Our Marriage & CommunicationBY CRAIG HANKA
My wife brought us both to OM several years ago. We’d been together for decades (we’re both in our 60s now), and she was convinced it would improve our marriage and our communication. I can’t remember how she first learned about OM – perhaps from an article in a magazine – but I’m so glad she did.
When we were younger, we could finish each other’s sentences. We were very, very in tune. Time passed and we grew apart. I assumed that increased distance was normal, accepting it as part of the aging process. My wife wasn’t willing to settle for that.
Our first OM together was fraught with fear and uncertainty. I felt all this heat in my body that was trying to escape, but part of me knew that this was absolutely necessary. I think it was only when we started that first OM that I realized how much our marriage had been floundering, and how much work we needed to do to save it.
I’ll admit that one of the issues we had in our marriage was my attitude towards sex. I did try to please my wife, but I tried to please her my way. Our sex was mostly based on my fantasies and desires, and that wasn’t working for her. What I realized with OM is that everything shifts if you let the woman’s pleasure dictate what happens. The first word that comes to mind is that it’s so much more interesting that way, but that doesn’t capture it. I guess the real change is that putting the woman’s pleasure first results in heightened sensation for everyone. Sex can be pins and needles and goosebumps, but only if we make what the woman feels central to everything. That’s how we get the good stuff.
OMing helped move the energy between me and my wife, and it creates this third energy that’s with us. It’s paper-thin, this third energy, feather-light and delicate, but it’s so electrifying you can’t help but be transformed by it. Sometimes, it feels like a light bulb, where my wife and I are the poles, and the OM itself is the filament, dancing and gleaming between us. We didn’t create that the first time, or the second, but we do now.
I work outside a lot, and as we live in New York, there are a lot of temperature variations. I’m outside in summer and winter. I dress differently depending on the weather, and I use a lot of techniques to feel comfortable whatever the external circumstances are. OM is like that in a sense – maybe you come to the nest with a lot of heat between you; another day you’ve got some frozen anger to resolve. The work still has to be done regardless of temperature. OM helps you adapt to whatever the “temperature” is between the couple at any given moment. It can always bring you back to equilibrium, whether that means heating or cooling or both.
This return to equilibrium doesn’t just stay in the OM--it carries over into our conversations. I have a mind that tends to wander. I don’t mean that I’m getting senile; I mean I get distracted easily and can lose the train of thought when I’m talking to my wife or my friends. The adjustments in OM really helped me stay focused. By learning to be aware and to respond to her cues about how to stroke her, I have learned to be more aware when she is talking about a shopping list or vacation plans or anything else. If she asks me to take out the trash, I don’t get resentful or “forget” to do it, I just do it because it’s easy and it makes sense. This awareness and connection make conversations more pleasurable for everyone involved.