Putting Me First is Better for Everyone


I found OM right after I started to emerge from one of the darkest periods of my life. My husband was just recovering from a life-threatening illness. He was weak, couldn’t work, and had lost his job. Just months before he got sick, I had had major surgery that had made it very difficult to walk. I had been so scared we might not make it – and then I did find a wonderful job at exactly the right time. It was as if we were given a second chance. And as a result, I started thinking that this kind of fresh start shouldn’t be wasted. I needed to look at what needed to change.

One thing I knew I wanted to be different was my sex life with my husband. I had never had an orgasm with him, never even gotten close. For a long time, I had accepted that our sex life was never going to be very good. Now, after our brush with disaster, I wanted better.

I had been molested repeatedly as a child growing up in Russia. I don’t need to explain the trauma that goes along with that, but I’ve always believed that was why I never was able to have an orgasm later in life. My family and I moved to America when I was a teenager, and the abuse stopped. When I started having sex a few years later, I liked it because it felt so good to be wanted. I loved the acceptance and validation. My own physical pleasure didn’t figure into it at all, and it hadn’t figured into my marriage, either.

I didn’t just want to have a better sex life. I wanted to be a nicer person. For most of my adult life, I was a very abrupt person. I think the English expression is I “don’t suffer fools gladly.” If a friend or a co-worker was in emotional pain and I didn’t think their pain was justified, I could be brutal with them. I had no patience with tears or drama. If someone made a mistake at work, I would cut them with my words. I would start to verbally tear up a project they’d written, and I’d just keep going until I’d destroyed them. I didn’t feel guilty when I saw their pain; I just dismissed them as weak. They weren’t as tough as I was. And yes, my toughness had helped me survive and become a trailblazer professionally. The real result, though, was that I had driven most people away. I was very lonely.

I had this new lease on life after our surgeries. Not sure what else to do, I started Googling for help. It didn’t take me long to find out about Orgasmic Meditation; I signed up for classes. And because I wanted to save my marriage too, I signed my husband up as well.

My husband ended up being my OM partner for the first six months. I’m amazed I stayed with it. Yes, I finally did have an orgasm. For a while, though, I wasn’t sure it was worth it. Our OMs together brought up all our issues, and we’d often quarrel right in the middle of one. There wasn’t so much “meditation” as there was outright arguing. In OM, the woman is supposed to give direction to the man who is stroking her. I remember once telling my husband to go a little to the left, and he stopped, looked at me, and said, “Don’t tell me what to do.” We had a huge fight after that.

Other people might have quit or gotten divorced. We were stubborn and stuck to the practice, somehow. Slowly, slowly, my desire began to build. It got stronger when I was willing to OM with different partners. After another six months, I became intensely orgasmic. Just a few strokes and I’m already there; it requires focus and intention to make it last for 15 minutes. In the last year, I’m back to OMing only with my husband, and it’s become something that is incredibly powerful. The other day, he said he felt like my labia were rising up to embrace him, even as his finger was only resting lightly on my clitoris. I felt it too, as if not only my genitals, but my womb and all my insides pulling him closer. It was physically and emotionally intense. We both were shaking afterwards. I was so clear with him and with myself about what I wanted. I could feel my desire flowing out of me, and I could feel him responding.  We’ve come so far, thanks to all the work we’ve done, from the day he yelled at me to stop ordering him around! I know the changes started with me: I needed to feed myself first and make my needs and desires of prime importance. If I could do that and insist – without blame – that those desires be met, then we are both fulfilled. I just have to always remember to put myself first; the paradox is that if I do make myself number one, everyone around me gets what they need as well.

So, if you ask me if I got what I was looking for from OM, the answer is yes. I got my orgasms, but I got so much more too. I got the happier marriage I hoped for. Just as important, I got real friendships, especially with women. Until I started practicing OM, I had little use for women. This was a man’s world, and to be honest, I found most women to be weak and useless. I was hard on myself and hard on them. It’s taken a few years, but I’ve been able to build these really wonderful relationships with women, where we love and respect and listen to each other. I’m amazed at how much of my judgment and criticism is gone. And yes, I’m a lot easier to work with now, too.

I think it’s natural to presume OM is something sexual. I certainly did at first. What I could not have expected was that it would become so much bigger than that. It’s a set of tools for tapping into your power and changing everything in your life as a result. Healing from abuse? Better relationships with other women? More collaboration with my co-workers? Deeper fulfillment? All that has come from OM.