I Don’t Have to Wait


My brother and younger sister had a lot of plans for their lives. After retirement they both planned to travel and do all the things they weren't able to do during the regular course of their lives. But then my sister died of cirrhosis of the liver due to complications from diabetes, and my brother passed from cancer. They died within a month of each other.

Their passing affected me deeply. Not only did I experience normal sorrow and loss, I experienced a terrible grief that they hadn’t done any of the things they wanted to in life. And I couldn’t help but see that I was repeating their pattern. I had been a single mom, raising two kids, and a biology and chemistry teacher for 30 years. I loved being a mother and I loved teaching. It was so exciting to go in each day and teach kids and see them learn. I’d wanted to be a teacher since I was eight years old, and it was enormously gratifying. 

But I had become so involved in my role as teacher, so taken over by my autistic son’s needs and taking his older brother to his football and soccer practices and all that, that I lost myself spending time with them and doing what they needed to do. My life was all about others. I didn’t speak up and try to live for myself. Certainly, during all those years, I didn’t think much about my sexuality. 

Eventually things happened in the school system that I didn’t like. There was no support by the administration and they wanted us to dumb the curriculum down. Teaching was not as much fun and lost its excitement and intellectual stimulation, So, I retired. I was going to do all the things my brother and sister hadn’t done when they were alive. I was determined that I was going to go out and do things for myself, to have fun and explore. So when a man I met online and had started dating began talking about OM, I checked it out and agreed to go to an event with him to learn more about it.

I was intrigued. The energy in the room was good, and the people were interesting and pretty open. James had a credit for a class and asked if I wanted to learn the practice with him. I wanted to be spending more time with him. So I said, “Okay.” 

I had my first OM with James. Right before I was about to get undressed from my waist down, I instantly hesitated, thinking, “Oh my god, what did I get into?” But then I remembered my brother and sister and thought, “I'm not going to just hold off and wait or run away!” So there I am, and my legs are in butterfly position and I’m thinking, “Okay, I can do this. It's only going to be 15 minutes. That’s not so much!” 

At first I didn’t feel much and then, all of a sudden, he hit a spot and there was a very great sensation connecting my clitoris to the rest of my body. It felt sparkly, like an electrical movement was circulating from my genitals to my core and then to my legs. It was a totally new experience. For the first time ever I was putting total attention on my own body and not focusing on anybody else. 

When a group of friends who practiced OM hosted a Valentine’s Day party, James and I went. I hadn't had a very lively social life and hadn’t been going to parties and this was definitely something different! At one point I found myself standing by the fireplace with two men who had been practicing for a while, and I could just feel the energy radiating from them—and it was more than just their sexual energy. They were powerfully radiating this sensual energy that was impressive to me. I was deeply curious how they could cultivate that even when they were just standing there chatting? “How can this be?” I wondered. “How can you get that?”

And the answer was OM, so I kept deepening my practice. 

It took me about a year to figure out how to manage my own sexual energy. When I first started OMing two to three times a week, I’d have this high level of energy. But after 24 to 48 hours the energy would disperse, and I’d have to OM again to regain it. But eventually, after I started OMing more often, I began to generate it consistently on my own. It was like it became stored up in my body over time, and deeply woven into my cells.

Today I can get revved up on my own. I get excited and can feel that energy coursing through my body and have gotten to the point where I experience a continued regeneration. I'm generating more and more life energy and I’m generous with it, I have enough to share freely with others from overflow. I'm giving energy out, and this being of service helps me generate even more. I’ve discovered that when you give out your energy into service, you’re making room for more to come in. You have to fill what is empty, and empty what is full. 

OMing is a power source, and such a great exploration. It’s helped me learn that I don’t have to wait for anything, I can live my life to the fullest with each moment.