From China to The Bay: Opening To Desire

BY TIFF LIN

I was born in Taiwan and lived there with my grandmother before I came to New Jersey and met the rest of my family when I was three. I had a sister and brother and didn't really see my parents together a lot because my father was working in China all through my childhood. So, there were not any models for deep connection and intimacy or consistent attention. 

I was always the good girl, getting good grades and I kept to myself. I was definitely a crier and felt really emotionally sensitive. But I was also a tomboy. People used to confuse me and my brother a lot because he was actually more feminine and I was more boisterous. Frankly, I didn't really have a concept of gender. I was just being myself. There were definitely instances growing up where my mom wanted me to be more like a lady. Even after I left home she'd leave me voicemails on my phone like, “Be like a lady and less like a man. Okay? Bye.”

My 20s were a blur of existence. I didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to feel like I was missing out on something, so I was hooking up and having sex with a lot of random men. I didn't know why I kept having sex. I always felt really weird afterward like they were taking something from me. I think I had sex just to prove something and maybe find someone who could help me or fix me. I wasn’t aware of really being in my body and feeling fully. By the time I was 27 I had never had an orgasm.

I moved to China for three years to work for my father and had my first relationship with a woman there. She was in Taiwan, so it was a long distance relationship that lasted for a year. The sex was better than having sex with men, but I felt a lot of pressure to have an orgasm. It was so easy for her and I would think, “Wow, this is beautiful!” And I would receive pleasure just giving pleasure, which was enough until it wasn't. Eventually I got tired of always being in the giving position. At the same time I wasn’t very forthcoming. I didn’t let her in. I think she really wanted me to trust her enough to talk about the pain and insecurity and the levels of unhappiness I was experiencing living in China and working for my father. But I didn't want to admit it to myself, let alone someone else. 

When a friend got married in San Francisco, I flew over and stayed. I've always been of the mindset that I'm going to live my life how I'm going to live it. I didn't have a queer community on the East Coast growing up, and living in China my sexuality was completely closeted. Moving to San Francisco inspired a healthy gender exploration. I think I got into OM because I just didn't want to feel so alone. I was looking for community and something—I wasn’t sure what. So when a guy I met told me about Orgasmic Meditation, I went for it. Here was a practice that would allow me to practice receiving!

After I started OM, I put a lot or pressure on myself to climax, and think it was eight months before I actually felt the finger on my clitoris in an OM—really felt it. And it felt like three cups of coffee rushing through me. Slowly I began to let go the pressure to reach climax and placed more attention on feeling the sensations. Finally, one session I experienced different ranges of pressure and speed in so many different places and it unlocked something. I just broke down and sobbed realizing how extremely complex I was and how I didn’t have to hold on to so much anymore. I had this powerful release where I was being transmuted and lifted and optimized. All the ancestral shame I had stored and didn’t want to look at—releasing that gave my whole body new breath and lightness.

I think the act of just lying down and opening my legs to receive 15 minutes of undivided attention in a safe setting has enabled me to experience and understand my beingness without having to explain myself. Now I no longer feel angry or upset or wonder why it's so hard for me to feel anything. I just know that’s how I’m wired and that I am learning to be able to lean in and expand my nervous system and feel what will take me to a peak. I am able to finally say to myself, “That was a climax!” I am able to cry more and express more anger and joy. I am able to rev my energy up really high and penetrate through the BS and really share who I am now and communicate. I have come into my full range of embodiment.

OM has helped me open up and attract the partner I feel really good with. Today I am in a monogamous relationship with my current partner and it's amazing. There has been such a tremendous amount of sexual healing that now I can be more vulnerable and more honest. I am able to experience a deeper level of commitment and devotion. I also feel like my relationship with my inner feminine and inner masculine has come into balance. Professionally, it's helped me share who I am with my community. Learning about energetic attunement and pleasure, in particular learning how to receive, is what I want other folks to be able to have too. And it feels good passing it on.