Listening to My BodyBY SAYLER
Between ages five and 16 I experienced a lot of incest. By the time I was older I learned how to stay out of hands reach and just not be home. But the intent from him was still there. As a result, in my youth, I was totally outside my body with no connection at all. The way I look at it, humans have a soul or an infinite spirit, whatever you want to call it, and a body. And there's an interaction between the two. Basically, I had stopped interacting with my body at a very young age because it wasn't safe.
As I got older, I started looking for ways to fill that hole and the lack of feeling. I tried filling the hole with exercise and a little bit with drugs and alcohol. I tried to fill it with food and with shopping—all sorts of things. And it never worked. I tried lots of different healing modalities. They worked for a few days, maybe a few weeks and then nothing. I also turned to sex. Sometimes sex with some man felt good in the beginning, but it didn't take long before it got really boring. Unless you're with a man that can follow energy really well and be creative and try new things every so often to change things up, it's just boring.
Between age 25 and 45 I faked a lot of orgasms. Everything just felt kind of dead. And then, when I turned 45, I started making some different choices. I started speaking up more in life. Yes, I'd like to do this. No, I really don't care to do that. How about something else instead? As I started making choices, better choices for myself, my body started to turn back on. But in the sexual realm, nothing was fulfilling, and that made my body very sad.
About that time, I again started dating a man I’d dated years before, and he introduced me to OM. I loved Orgasmic Meditation from the start. When I first started OMing, my body turned on and the energy was through the roof. I never asked for adjustments. I just went with the incredible energy and sensations. But as I settled into the practice, things got more refined and I learned to start asking for adjustments. Most women aren't taught to receive and ask for what they want. I sure wasn’t. Unfortunately, my partner couldn't handle my asking for adjustments. He always took it personally. So our relationship fell apart and I continued to OM with others.
Orgasmic Meditation brought me out of a life where I was very depressed and suppressed. It helped me release old stuck emotions around who I was and who I thought I should or shouldn't be. It gave me a new set of tools to feel orgasmic and turned on, and also to ask for something different. Growing up without boundaries, I didn't know how to say “No” much less “Stop!” I didn’t know how to say, “That doesn't feel good, please do something different.” So the container and the rules of OM really made me feel safe to explore this new territory of asking for what I wanted. And if somebody showed up who was going to push boundaries, I learned to say, “No, thank you.”
After I’d been OMing for over a year, I had the opportunity to learn how to become a stroker. It was astounding to embrace the part of my body that I was taught never to look at or touch because it might be dirty. Plus, going through all the years of incest, I was so totally disassociated from my lady parts. To see another woman in her raw naked majesty and just simply appreciate her body was very freeing.
I developed a relationship with my body. And it was totally revolutionary giving my body a voice and a choice—and not just about sex. I started to talk to my body about business. I talked to my body about food and clothing. I asked my body what she would like today. Instead of assuming that my body wanted to eat, I would ask, “Would you like anything to eat right now? Or “Body, would you like something to drink right now?” I asked instead of assuming. And I discovered that a lot of times my body didn't want to eat until sometime between two and four in the afternoon. And I'm up early in the morning.
The more I talk to my body the happier she is. Asking her questions always feels like the path of most fulfillment. My body tells me which way to go for more happiness. When I was offered the opportunity of working as a radio show host talking about orgasmic embodiment, my body lit up intensely. That’s how I know something is a “Yes.” My body tells me. When I get ready to choose a topic for a show, I literally asked my body what topic is creative and generating. And I know what to choose because, just like in an OM, my body is orgasmic in that moment. It's like effervescent bubbles—like somebody opened a champagne bottle inside. When I'm contracted and it's a “No,” which is what my body felt like prior to when I was 45 and prior to OM, my body feels like dead space, as if everything is pulling in and contracted and crunchy.
OMing really helped me connect with the truth. And it’s brought me face to face with the realization that we don't have to have sex to be orgasmic.