Sovereign Over My BodyBY AMELIA
Before Orgasmic Meditation, I often felt as though I was performing in my relationships. I endlessly worried about the other person’s experience. I didn’t know what I wanted sexually, and if I did, I sure couldn’t ask for it. I felt like I didn’t deserve to ask for what I wanted.
I had experienced sexual abuse at a very young age, so for a long time I felt like my body and my pleasure weren’t my own. Anytime I’d engage in anything even remotely resembling sexual touch, a part of me would shut down and freeze up. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel it. The idea that my body and sexuality were unsafe felt stored in my DNA.
A good friend of mine told me about OM. Although the idea sounded wild, I was inspired by how he’d changed as a man in terms of who he could be for women. I trusted him. So I ended up feeling open to trying OM.
My first OM was unnerving. There was something jarring about lying naked from the waist down with my legs butterflied open beside a person I barely knew. Odd as it was, however, I also felt safe. I reminded myself that OM is a goalless practice. We were doing this thing that was pretty confronting, but we were doing it with clear protocols. For the first time in my life, I felt permission to focus on my own pleasure, on what I was feeling in my own body, not whether or not the man was enjoying the experience.
The goallessness of OM allowed me to notice really subtle changes in my body, instead of focusing on performance or climax as I would have in sex. I noticed that strokes on different parts of my clitoris produced very specific effects in my body. I felt relaxed during certain types of strokes and tense during others.
Making requests in my OMs gave me a way to communicate this new awareness of sensation. When I first started OMing, making requests was really hard. I had to force myself to do it. I knew it was part of the practice, so I pushed myself. But it felt awkward.
Outside OM, I realized that I would just ignore my needs and desires for the sake of being polite. I didn’t want to ask for too much. OM provided me with a safe place to practice this skill. To develop it like a muscle.
At the beginning, my requests came out sounding like a pipsqueak. I tolerated unpleasurable sensations to avoid having to give an adjustment. It was very much part of my fabric: I believed I was not allowed to ask for what I wanted, that I just had to bear it. As I continued to OM, I was encouraged to sometimes make ten adjustments in a row just to practice doing it. Just having permission to play in that way made it a lot easier to ask.
Learning how to get specific with my communications in OM has helped me get specific with my communications with friends and at work. I used to always feel pressured by my boss. If he told me to do something, I thought I had to do it right away; If I didn’t, I was a failure and was going to be fired. Now, I can ask my boss specifically for what I need in those moments. I never thought I was allowed to make any requests at work before, but now I know I can always ask for an adjustment.
It wasn’t long before I became the captain of my ship. I felt a new sense of empowerment. I get to have a say in OM how I want to be touched, how I want to feel, how I want to explore and experience. I feel sovereign over my own body.
Now, I’m in a beautiful, loving partnership with my boyfriend, and the amount of love and intimacy that I’m able to receive from him is way beyond what was ever possible before. I’m learning how to communicate, sexually and otherwise, in a way that he can actually hear and receive. I’m very much flourishing in my feminine nature. The practice of OM continues to help me reaffirm that life is meant to be pleasurable and that intimacy is a human right.