I Learned that I am Not Defective

BY FELIPE

My parents raised me with a relatively blank slate. Except for the fact that I needed to excel academically and athletically, they raised me without any dogma and preconceived expectations. The concept of God didn't exist in our house, and that extended to a lot of things culturally. 

Despite that clean slate, I went through a long phase in high school where I was concerned about being Asian and shorter than average. I also worried about my penis being big enough—all very classic male things to worry about. After high school I went to an Ivy League school and managed to graduate with honors, landing a job right out of school where I was being paid $200 K a year. By age 23 I was already becoming quite wealthy.

My pre-OM self would have said I had a lot of self-confidence. In some ways I was ridiculously smart, and, in most ways, I was ridiculously fortunate. I saw a lot of my friends really struggling after graduating from college, trying to find themselves. I thought I had found myself already, and thus I felt superior to people in a lot of ways.

In truth, many things were not the way I wanted them to be. I was overly concerned with having an impact on the world and was always trying to calculate the right steps to getting ahead. I constantly compared myself to influential people. I also had trouble staying in long term relationships. Most romantic relationships never lasted for more than a couple months. I was very status oriented and particular about how attractive a woman had to be for me to date her. And yet, under the surface, there was this crippling anxiety and doubt about my sexual worth and my attractiveness. I was anxious about being able to connect with other people, and I was worried, thinking, “Am I going to go my whole life never having a fulfilling relationship with a girl? Am I never getting married?” I was convinced I was not funny enough or charismatic enough and somehow socially defective.

In the fall of 2017, I moved to Seattle to start a new job at Microsoft. I was searching all over the place for a good living situation with like-minded housemates, and I ended up moving into a place with really nice people who ended up telling me about Orgasmic Meditation. I didn't really think much about it because I had a lot on my plate. But I could feel life purpose running through each of these people—a life purpose I felt aligned with. There was something about the way they felt. I would literally run my hands along the walls of the house that we lived in and feel this sort of magic happening. There was something in the air.

After about six months, I was inspired to learn to OM.

At first Orgasmic Meditation seemed like something that could very easily devolve into just sex, and I was really curious how what seemed like this really sexual thing could be a purely non-sexual practice with gloves and a timer. I was fascinated by just how much I didn't understand it. I mean, why would a guy want to do all this work and not be stroked in return? What's the appeal of this?

I don't remember a whole lot about my first OM. I do remember not wanting to be like an absolute newbie stroker. I was really up in my head trying to have laser focus stroking my partner’s clitoris, utterly dialed into “up, down, up, down, up, down” until the bell rang. At some point I thought, “Imagine if someone were making a movie of my life and here I am on the floor of my bedroom in an OM nest stroking this 65 year old lady's clitoris!” I had a good internal laugh at that picture!

A couple months after I had started OMing I was at a gathering and saw a woman. She was sitting on a couch and, as I walked past her, I noticed a glint in her eye. I also felt a surge of attraction and connection. In the past I would have just kept walking and anxiously shrugged it off. But something happened that night. I felt like I sloughed off all these layers of issues. It was like I’d always been walking around in a rubber hazmat suit and I just stepped out of it. I went up to her and said, “I think you're beautiful. And I want to have sex with you.” And that was something that I could never have imagined myself doing before.

In just a few short months, OM had taught me that if I feel something, I can follow the feeling. Go with it. And it had also taught me honesty. So, when I sat down and started talking with this woman, I didn’t try to come off as anything I’m not. I told her, “I'm feeling really nervous. I have a lot of performance anxiety.” And so we did this grounding exercise where we put our attention on each other and allowed ourselves to sink into our mutual energetic interest in each other.

The big breakthrough that really changed my life was getting past the view that I was sexually and socially defective. OM taught me clear communication and gave me permission to be able to say something that was true for me. It also gave me the ability to be okay when another person says “No,” or corrects me. I learned I am not broken. Frankly, I’ve come to understand that I am actually highly attuned to a woman, able to sense when a woman is actually comfortable or not. And this is vital for being a good lover. 

For so many years I wrestled with existential anxiety, trying to plan my success. Since OM I’ve realized that there's no way that you can plan. While your partner is taking off her pants, you can’t sit there thinking, “Okay, today, I'm going to start with light feathery upstrokes and then, at the five-minute mark, I'm going to move into a segment of downstrokes. And then, after that, I’ll start doing smooth, slow upstrokes.” There's no way that works out! 

OM has taught me that I am this extraordinary creation— a man who can sense how things are happening around me. All I need to do is feel my way to the next better spot in every aspect of my life. All I have to do is feel and follow what is exciting right now and go in that direction. And then everything, everything, will work out from there.