Asking For What You Want Has Everybody Win

BY BRENDA FREDERICKS

In 2012, Hurricane Sandy destroyed a third of my house. My family and I had to evacuate. A few weeks before the hurricane, I could feel a lot of things shifting internally. I kept thinking I needed to leave my marriage, but I couldn’t imagine a different life. The hurricane upended our lives so much that it spurred us to talk about ending the marriage.

The thought terrified me. I had a family and stability, and I loved my husband in many ways. On paper, we had a great relationship, we had everything I wanted. It was scary to think I might give that up. But it ended up being the right thing.

When I started practicing Orgasmic Meditation after my divorce, I learned to ask for what I want. A big part of the communication cycle for a strokee is asking for what you want in the OM: faster, slower, more pressure, less pressure, pull back my hood. Before I found this practice, I didn’t know how to do this. I never asked for what I wanted in sex—ever. I had sex with my husband for two decades in a monogamous relationship and it took me so long to ask. It was crazy.

With OM, I now have a regular practice of asking for what I want. Sometimes it’s another pillow under my leg, or a blanket because I’m cold, or more lube, faster, slower, or another OM. I learned to feel into what I wanted. I can feel in my body when a message comes to me. Feeling into my body means trusting myself every step of the way. 

It was really confronting, however, when I started to realize what I would actually settle for. In an OM, would I settle for my leg being slightly uncomfortable, because I didn’t want to ask for another pillow? Do I not think I’m worth it? Am I worth a pillow? It made me question: Where else in my life am I not asking for something I want, because I don’t want to ask or I think it’s too much to ask?

It turns out, life gets infinitely better when you just start asking for what you want or need. It gets to be so much fun. I started being honest and would make requests of my kids directly so they could start saying yes or no. Our time together started being more authentic.

One day my teenage son said, “Mom I have two requests and you can say yes or no.” In that moment, I was blown away by how much my experience of sharing the communication tools used in the OM practice changed his experience and had him be able to ask me for things he wanted in such a clean way.

I’ll never forget that day, because it was a perfect moment in time, a marker of how my personal work as a woman who OMs directly benefited my kids. It changed the course of my relationship with both of them. Our communications are clearer, and we share a lot more truth and joy.